Life – Page 19 – Just Pondering…

Dumbfounded

April 20, 2019April 20, 2019ponderingmissylou5 Comments

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All the good stories begin like this and what little girls (and boys) dream of but life happens and we just live, but not so happily ever after.

How many are just living but not really happy? That could be anyone, young, old, single, married, divorced.

Just today, I was reminded by the dumbfounded look I received when trying to mention a simple suggestion, not nagging, but found myself wanting to throw up my hands. I have had this look too many times through the years that makes me feel stupid. Either I am not verbalizing correctly or he is not understanding me. I give up, usually walking away with frustration and complaining under my breath. My voice remains quiet as we exist under one roof, yet again. Not worth losing my energy for such a draining moment that repeats each time. All I can guess is that this is just his Aspergers way of comprehending. Lord, give me strength.

I know there are many marriages and relationships that struggle in one way or another. I have heard too much from many to believe otherwise. I am not alone. Even some people/couples that appear happy, write sweet posts on Facebook, sit on a church pew together and seem to have it all together. Sad but happens. Life happens.

I do know and have had to dig my heels in to keep going forward when at times I’d rather dig a hole and crawl in it to disappear, but I must keep my focus on the Lord. He knows my name and He knows where I am.

So if you are reading this and just existing, know that the Lord loves you, He knows your name and He knows where you are. Trust Him in the process.

Taking care of you also is very important. You matter!

True happiness will only come with knowing the Lord and trusting Him. What happens day in and day out, and around you, happens. With all that, we must go to Him. Sometimes, asking Him what to do and for His Favor or if things went south, for His Forgiveness. I have been on both sides of that many times. His Grace and Mercy is forever.

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Within Us

April 19, 2019April 19, 2019ponderingmissylou2 Comments

Just yesterday sitting across from my new counselor, feeling at ease and comfortable talking. The same ordeal exists that I have dealt with for years and I still do not know exactly what to do or go about it. So, I take day by day that turns into years. Perhaps the codependency in me, fear and just pure exhaustion from it all. One of the reasons I attend counseling sessions, to get clarity and strength within me but I am not there yet. My patience is wearing thin, not with the counselor but with myself. Sometimes though with the Lord.

I tend to feel as though my wheels are in the mud spinning trying to get out of a hole. I’m stuck!

As we discussed and tossed out ideas and dreams of my own, still the burden is on me to make decisions, to plan, organize, etc. It is not as easy as some may think or offer their two cents. It brings a hopeless feeling.

Many times, my cries to the Lord is that I do not know what to do or to how to go about it, I need help. Then doubt arises, just as it did yesterday, maybe I am not hearing Him. Of course, more negative thoughts come, such as it’s me, it’s my fault, I am a mess and so on to the point of my thoughts of I am the crazy one in this relationship. The muddy hole just got bigger. While I don’t stay in this despair long nowadays, it exists and makes itself known. I dig myself out once again, knowing my circumstances.

I realize that counseling is talking through problems, issues in life from childhood to present to help one understand themselves. If it had not been for the past four years with my former counselor, I do not know where I would be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. While I still deal with issues, I am not the same person walking through her door the first time. Thank God.

Even yesterday with my new counselor, discussing some of the same issues as we become more familiar with one another and areas of life, I believe a new level of faith will arise within me. The Lord is not going to leave me where I am. I have to believe that. If you are going through things, you also must trust Him.

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Yesterday, she said that strength is within me. While I know that, it is easy to forget. Knowing what I have gone through, dealt with and changes I have made so far, I do believe her. With that, I wonder why I need her if that is the case. It is because I get stuck in the mud at times. I totally support and encourage counseling. As I ponder this today, I just wish somebody would give me a step-by-step method and tell me how and what to do.

Just writing that, the thought was, you do have a manual, the Bible. With that, I know it is written of the timing of God, He will not leave me nor forsake me, He has a plan and a purpose for me and so many more verses. What hope He brings and peace going through issues in life. He’s got my back! He’s got your back!

While I have trusted my former and present counselors, I have a Counselor that knows all about me, knows my name, where I am and where I am going. I have had to trust Him through this and now, still trust Him.

I believe when I am strong enough, in all areas and not stuck in that mud as I relate to, He will allow everything fall into place.

We must trust Him as we all get stuck in the mud at times.

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Grades of Grief

April 15, 2019April 14, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I have had my share of grief in life and no doubt, you also. It, of course, can come from a physical death of a loved one or friend but grief is shared among other losses and the pain is there.

Growing up and probably until my own mother passed away, I dealt with deaths and the visitations, funerals and family gatherings afterward never wanting to lose touch with cousins and extended family members, but you do.

It was when my mother passed that it all became real, the grieving of what was and what will never be. While we were not the mother-daughter connection as pictures show and memories are made of, still she was my mother. Sitting at traffic lights looking up at the beautiful sky and seeing the clouds, the tears would flow were my usual bouts of grief.

Just a few years later, while trying to maintain my own home but also my father’s home and all of his financial and medical affairs, my marriage was dying. I could feel it, I knew things were not right. I blamed myself as I was being pulled in many directions and apparently neglecting him. While that was all true of caring and doing for many, I am not to accept all the blame and I will not. Still, grieving the marriage of what was and what will never be.

Through the years, I have lost friendships for whatever reason by job change, moving, etc. no doubt, you have also. Realizing their friendship was just for a season, whether it be their season or mine, it still hurts to lose the closeness. Depending how close we were, the grief can become intense, not just uncomfortable for a bit.

With that I found myself to be distant with some because of the hurt, the grief of losing them. They are still alive but not there. Just recently, I went through this with someone very special to me. Every level of grief was there still and I knew it. Even today, I now teeter between the depression stage and acceptance. This can last for a bit. When sadness hits, I cry and then I get back up accept what is. Thankfully the anger has lost its power but it was there and normal.

Whether it is a person, a pet or whatever to cause your heart to ache, it is normal. It just shows you are normal and have a heart and love within that you shared.

Looking at the chart of the many levels of grief, I recognize each one and understand when it hits. One of those, ‘been there, done that’ quotes. No matter what your situation, grief is hard and exhausting.

Understanding the levels of grief in whatever you are facing, it will help you through it. Normal. Cry if you need to and then carry on the best you can. Some days you will need to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Normal. Will life be the same? No. A new normal will form and you will adjust. One day, your experience will be encouragement to another; you made it and they will also.