Family – Page 5 – Just Pondering…

The Year That Wasn’t

October 25, 2020October 25, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I don’t know about you but the possibility to erasing this year all together would be okay with me. Let’s have a re-do. Let’s start all over.

The year 2020 did start out so well and everything and everyone was geared for a 20/20 vision, a year toward bright days ahead. Instead, we were all hit and blindsided by Covid19. The vision became poor and our mouths are covered with masks. Bound by rules that changed daily with confusion and chaos. Do we or don’t we wear a mask? Looks like we do and have to with the mandates. Fine, just stop the confusion.

So many lives, if not all and all around the world have been touched in some way, more worse than others. If that has been your case, I am sorry.

Now that we are at the end of October, holidays are gearing up and the excitement, planning menus, decorating, family and friends coming together, gift buying and all the things that make this the most wonderful time of the year. Now what? Do we actually do all of those things?

I think I have already heard one Governor say that his family will not gather at Thanksgiving. I felt as though that was a plea for us all to follow. Again chaos and wondering what is the right thing to do. How are we really to plan for such with purchasing food, the ingredients to make those favorite, yummy desserts, etc. I normally have around ten to fifteen in my house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have no clue what to do or to expect.

Is it safe to do so? We are all from different places and some areas or is just one of our family/friends carriers of this virus. Hey, I am the oldest and probably the most at risk due to my immune system. Although none of us are exempt, no matter what age. Now it comes down to, we cannot see clearly, our nose and mouths are covered, we need distancing and gatherings are frowned upon. People need people. I don’t like fear and all this has caused enough fear this year. In this, we need wisdom, too. What to do.

I miss my children. As in a previous blog, The Bubble, I mentioned the distance and no hug. I have not seen my youngest since July 4th and even then, the hesitancy was prevalent. Even before, no Easter gathering at all. Now what? I don’t know what, honestly. What are your plans? If you meet, do you plan to also wear a mask in your house? Do you want your family to come for Thanksgiving?

My children, I want to hug so bad and I would take a risk of me getting sick in that, but I must consider them. Is it selfish to want this closeness? I don’t think so, it is just a mother’s heart that wants them to know of my love, feel my embrace but also feel my assurance we will get through this. If I have been fearful and concerned, no doubt they have also. I bet you have been, too, at times. Even though they are older, they are and always will be my sweet boys. Faith over Fear… although at times we trample through the fear or trip to regain the faith.

As we also begin the Christmas season, buying gifts. I have not been around our children, in my case, to know and hear about their lives. Usually, I can pick up on clues of what they might want or definitely need. To celebrate the birthday of my son and daughter-in-law this year, I bought them a storm door and had it installed. No dinner, no cake, no fun time laughing and sharing. How sad. The door looks nice though and they love it. I really don’t know what to expect or even do for Christmas. Do I even put up a Christmas tree if we do not plan to gather? To go out and shop is one of the joys of seeing the pretty lights glisten everywhere we look, feel the crisp air that will not fully hit our face due to the mask worn, this is all questionable. Online shopping is great but just not the same. Here we are now excited to see the Amazon Prime truck come up the street, happy and thinking, it’s here.

First we need to get past what is directly in front of us, even before the holidays. The unrest around us and with it being an election year of a President, no matter which one wins the position, one side or the other will not be happy. Chaos and hatred will follow. Lord help us all.

Growing up, no doubt you had heard the saying or even your mom say, ‘I am going to slap you into next year.’ Since March, I have thought that and while it is somewhat funny, I just want this over. (Actually, it is not so funny if the word ‘slap’ can be a trigger for some (and me) and if so, I am sorry as I do understand.) The quote though, as much as I want to believe it will all be over, like a light switch turned off, I don’t think it will be. It might even be worse before it gets better. This will be a wait and see in the days and months ahead. Lots of prayers.

Soon we will end the year 2020. The year that wasn’t enjoyable but at times full of misery, void of many things we take for granted. A grieving period for those that have lost loved ones and for those of us that did not get to see our loved ones. Let’s get this year over, which wasn’t a good one, and hope and pray for the New Year of 2021 to be somewhat better. Let’s have FAITH for just that.

I don’t know about tomorrow. I just live from day to day.
I don’t borrow from its sunshine, For its skies may turn to gray.
I don’t worry o’er the future, For I know what Jesus said. And today he walks beside me, For he knows what is ahead.
Many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand. But I know who holds tomorrow. And I know who holds my hand.

Did I Fail Them?

February 4, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

The motherly guilt was alive and well recently, as I fought through the fear that I have failed my son(s). The ‘if only’ statement rolls in my thoughts, full well knowing that those ‘if only’ wishes will not change a thing. It only keeps me in a fear mode as worry tags along.

When writing a recent blog and researching the childhood emotional neglect (CEN) yet again, reading the symptoms, etc., which I have had, panic set in for the boys, especially my youngest.

I know it is proven to be passed along through generations, which would be me, and if so, then I have failed them, too. Had I known what I know now, a familiar phrase spoken by many, whether a parent or not, while I did many things right, I would change some areas.

If what I have gone through and the struggles, I wonder if my sons are going to also. Will it be different with a son than as a daughter? I do not know the answer.

My years of them under our roof has come and gone, now they are too busy. The days speed by so quick and time is limited when visiting or in my life as my days are getting to be less.

Reminiscing of their childhood, I had happy babies. Looking at them, smiling and covering them with love, hugs, kisses and prayers as we rocked and read books. This was something I did not have growing up and proud that I did that with them. Often I wonder though, do they remember?

Through the years, these sweet boys brought me so much joy and even all those dirty clothes. They knew I would be their number one cheerleader back then and know that even now. The teenage years were interesting. The independence and pulling away from mom was happening with my oldest, I remember, which had me frantic at times but soon learned this was normal with boys. When the youngest did the same, I caught on and realized a new phase in their life was happening. Okay, I’ve got this. Even in these years, I wonder if they remember and have good memories of their mom. I was there for them, I always will be but less so they could grow into adulthood, loosening the apron strings

Or do they remember me depressed from the dying marriage happening right in front of them with their dad while I am trying to appear strong and happy keeping our family intact? Even though I lost some precious time, I pushed my way through for them. Do they remember? Or do they remember and did they feel the underlying anger I had toward their dad? The dark days of depression added and being buried with much grief of not just my parent’s deaths, but the death of my marriage, a marriage I always desired but will never have, and most importantly time with my boys and us all as a family unit. Grief in all ways was surrounding me. Those were rough days… years. I hope they don’t remember. I would like to forget it myself.

The ‘if only’ or ‘if I could do over’ days are over, there is no going back. While these statements brought worry and fear along with tears and all the negative thoughts that I failed them and not to forget that I was a bad mother, which are lies and from the enemy.

As a mother, I did the best I knew to do and still. I have to trust the Lord as I did back then, even though I wondered where He was at times and if He even remembered me. I must trust Him. My boys are grown adult men now and doing well. Will they need counseling one day to help in areas from childhood? I do not know but if they do, I will support them to do so. I want only the best for them. Perhaps with my own work in these areas, this will stop the pattern in generations to come.

I just hope they remember their mom’s love, hugs, kisses, support and prayers, especially when it is time for a nice, clean smelling nursing home. 🥰

I Love my Boys (Men). ❤️❤️

So perhaps you have had the parental guilt yourself. The enemy wants nothing more to keep us believing the lies that we have failed our child(ren). All you can do is your best and trust the Lord

Parental Guilt: Forgiving Yourself For Parenting Mistakes

https://drjonicewebb.com/ E92393B8-C3D7-4822-9013-4E9EC5F53B07

Word from Lysa Terkeust: “Satan wants us to be afraid.

I’m not talking about the healthy kind of fear that keeps us safe. No, I’m referring to that horrible kind of fear that whispers worst-case scenarios.

While we’re distracted with fear, the enemy pickpockets our purpose, cripples our courage, dismantles our dreams and blinds us to the beauty of the Lord’s great plans.

Are you struggling with fear in any area of your life right now? Maybe there’s a relationship causing anxiety. Or a problem you’re facing where there seems to be no solution.

Stop right now and speak the name of Jesus. Proclaiming His name brings power, protection and perspective that crushes fear. It is the name above every other.”

https://www.lysaterkeurst.com/

I Cancelled Thanksgiving

November 9, 2019November 9, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

5C2A1F8F-F0E8-4B04-B87F-AC23C8C8CD13 This time last year, my life was going in all directions, feeling lost, abandoned, grieving, overwhelmed and well, you get the picture.

There was an excitement just months prior of me enrolling in a medical class, which was a big step for this old girl. I finally felt empowered enough to move forward after many years of feeling hopeless. Counseling for years was helping me cope and understand myself plus my faith knowing I could do this and my dreams and desires were coming alive. Wonderful. Life was good.

It was in September though as classes started and my counselor of almost four years decided to close her office due to medical issues, of course, unexpectedly. While I understood and was concerned, I could not help but feel abandoned by her. My heart was hurting and my emotions were everywhere.

I would work full-time, go to class in the evenings and when I left, I sat in my car and cried, the grief was too much. This class was too much. My life was too much. How can I do this? Overwhelmed was an understatement.

Through all of this turmoil within, I also knew I had to put a Thanksgiving dinner together for my husband’s family and our own, although my oldest son, now married would be with his wife’s family several states away. The month of November was one with my nose in the medical book, studying for finals the week before Thanksgiving, my house not ready and no desire to go forward, just managing the best I could. My surprise was to get a 94 on my final, which shocked me completely. The joy of the results disappeared soon after, as I was still falling apart within and now no counselor to counsel me, left totally in the dark. Now the anger was more prevalent due to it all.

Being so overwhelmed and grieving, I cancelled Thanksgiving. I did. I was done.

Thanksgiving Day was lonely in my home, just like any other day. My youngest son, living an hour away, decided to stay at his home. I offered for him, me and his father to go out and eat but he had no interest. Loneliness all around with depression raining down on each of us.

Finally, it was late that night when I spoke to my son, instead of texting. In the voice, a lot can be heard and discerned. I knew he was sad over no Thanksgiving. He probably thought that since his older brother was not present, he was not worth it. Still, that thought brings sadness all over me. I will NEVER cancel Thanksgiving or a family gathering again. He did not know my circumstance and the struggle I was dealing with but I was wrong.

In our telephone call, with my motherly instinct, thank God, I told him to get ready as I am coming down to his house. It was dark and late but off I went to be with him, I apologized and told him I will never do that again. We went to eat, get groceries, do all of his laundry and went bowling at midnight. We both had fun and I put a pot of chili in his crock pot to enjoy the next few days. In the end, he received my undivided attention and his mother’s love. He needed me and I needed him.

This year we will have the family in for Thanksgiving and if I get the house clean, fine and if not, fine. I learned my lesson. 959C31B5-EC01-444A-AF14-044F96E476B1

“Thanksgiving is the holiday where people come together. At least, that’s what most of us are conditioned to believe. While Thanksgiving has the potential to be the most inclusive and unifying holiday on the calendar — particularly for families — it also has the potential to generate the most loneliness.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201511/4-reasons-thanksgiving-is-the-loneliest-holiday

Holiday Depression, it happens!

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/holidays#1

Self-Care During the Holidays, it’s needed!

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-self-care-during-the-holidays/