My mind is overwhelmed somewhat in moments, as I toss a matter around in my head. So many thoughts but the ‘why’ questions remain slapping me with no understanding. Boggled with disappointment and uncertainties, trying to make sense of it all. Have you ever had that happen?
To write, to be creative, to put my words in front of me, become many but scattered. My creative side is lost in my despair. I have nothing but the chaos of my thoughts that are stored inside me. The ‘why’ covers an array of feelings and the sadness felt. Unsure what to think or to truly feel but trying 
desperately to recognize my emotions. Hurt would be an understatement of the invalidation received.
Knowing and learning from years of counseling, I know to not dwell on the negative thoughts that enter, that get trapped and fight to exit my brain. This would have knocked me down years before and I would have retreated to my bedroom and be covered with depression. While this has been difficult, I will not allow it to drag me down in a pit. I do not understand my ‘why’ questions but I do know, I will not quit. I have come too far and have worked too hard to get to this place in my life.
I am finding, too, it is not always about me. So many times before, I would have taken it all upon myself, feeling all the negative, believing the thoughts and trying to figure it out with the finger only pointing back at myself, as if it was my issue. Self-invalidation. I will not do that this time.
In this, I have nothing but yet I have so much to express but unsure how to do so. Time takes care of a lot of things that we may not understand. It is trusting the Lord through those moments of uncertainties and believing all things work to the good. Trust Him!
houses. I knew to never touch much less breathe on anything. What I did though was look at the beautiful homes we were in, imagine what it was like to live there. While we had a nice, clean home ourselves, it was my place to escape within my mind. I can still smell the Ivory bath soap and see the bathroom at Betty’s house. I can see the beautiful knick knacks and remember looking out the window in the side room to the back yard at Addie’s house. I was a good kid, I could entertain myself just within my thoughts. I had to in order to stay out of people’s way, including my mom. I was no bother.
Many times, I have noticed through the years that I would not call others, ask for help, etc,, and I am still that way. For instance, I have been given permission by my former counselor, in the past, and my present counselors to contact them, if needed. Each one, my comment is that I appreciate the offer but I did not and will not bother you and I don’t. The risk of rejection, of them having no time for me would only magnify the panic within me. In a situation at work, just yesterday, now I had to bother several and got a little more involved than usual. Perhaps that is me not being so independent, codependent, passive aggressive, etc., as I will take so much and then… Enough! Majority of the time, I will solve the issue and figure out how to rectify the problem for ease on me and all involved. As in this work situation, besides my time and a stress headache pounding on each heartbeat, I now have a solution and will put in place starting tomorrow. Done.
your sister and don’t make her cry. I heard that so often, as she did not really care to hold or even hear me. How sad. I have always felt and known I was an oops baby. To realize even back then, I was an imposition as a baby, a young girl, adult and still an almost retired lady, it kind of does something to you.
While I may have been an oops, an imposition, a bother, felt the abandonment in life, I know one thing for certain and that I am a child of God. I think I even knew it back then, too, but nobody to encourage me spiritually. I know that He does not make mistakes. I am not a mistake. I know that He loves me. I am loved and 
lovable. The ‘I Am’ statements are not just off the wall and flippant but necessary and truth behind each one. It has taken me years to truly grasp His Love for me. It’s when you know because you know. Joy!
unsettledness was ever-so present. I counted down the days until her return. To help me and I shared with her, I installed a timer app on my phone, I still use it. My coping mechanism, as it keeps track so my mind can be somewhat at ease of not counting. With this, I can just look at the time, acknowledge my thoughts and feelings, cry if I need to and move forward. Technology in this sense shows me I made it, some days were rough and have been, but I was and I am moving forward. It’s what works for you to bring calmness.
The pen she holds that just made notes about me in her file because of the connection between us.
How sad it is to consider that a little girl, now older woman still clings to such. What happened in that little girl’s life to hold on for dear life to such objects? Maybe one day, when the Lord feels the time is right, I will know exactly why and mostly, what happened to cause such a deep root to still rear its ugly head. Abandonment in love, emotional neglect was definitely evident.
photo, these were typical of me through life and sadly still. I know the three hundred and sixty-fifth day is approaching since our last session. My grieving is present still, I acknowledge that. Will I see her again for a session? No. It is just my coping skill to get through the loss, sadness and hopefully healing as I see this pattern and know I have made it and I will make it.
If you have dealt with loss and lack of love in childhood or as an adult, you will understand me. It’s real. It’s real hard, too. Through it, you have to learn to care for yourself, re-parent yourself, get in touch with your inner child and just love and appreciate yourself. Do I have all that together? No, but I do know now what I am dealing with and what I lacked and taking one day at a time.
Just Pondering... 