Faith – Page 6 – Just Pondering…

If I Could Sing

February 22, 2020February 23, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

3C6D8BA3-C2EB-4123-95A5-15FACDDA33EC Tonight, in between laundry and cleaning around the house, I noticed the movie, The Help, was on so it played in the background. I have seen this numerous times, I also have the CD and have played the song I mention over and over. I tend to do that until I get through a period that I am dealing with and to grasp the meaning, feel the pain and heal little by little.

I finally stopped to finish watching the end of the movie, which brought me back to sitting in the movie theater watching this movie with my sister. Usually, the audience leaves when the words ‘The End’ show on the screen and go on their merry way, as we were doing so, too.

As we walked toward the exit in line with a room full of people, the lyrics of the song playing caught my attention and hit me deep within. I sat down and just cried through the song, as if the room was empty and this song was just for me. At that time in my life, it was.

Still, I cried tonight because I am living proof and each word of how this song resonates with me. If I were to ever sing a song of my testimony, this would be the one. To sing, to write, to tell where I was, where I am and knowing where I am going would be to give hope.

It has has been a long, long journey but in the midst of what I have gone through and the words in the lyrics, I am ready to carry on. Oh Lord, lead and direct me.

In case you are reading my blog and read through the lyrics and the words hit your heart and feel the pain as it did with me of many years, just know there is HOPE. In my time of feeling totally alone and emotionally distraught, I knew deep down that the Lord knew my name and He knew where I was. I had to hold onto those words and say often. I am living proof that I made it through. You can, too! Trust Him.

Read the lyrics, my testimony.

I’M LIVING PROOF

It’s gonna be a long long journey
It’s gonna be an uphill climb
It’s gonna be tough fight
It’s gonna be some lonely nights
But I am ready to carry on
I am so glad the worst is over (’cause almost took me out)
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything
And finally I am not afraid to breathe

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can’t deny the truth
‘Cause I am the living proof
So many don’t survive
They just don’t make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof
Oh yes I am

Thinking about life’s been painful
Yes it was
Took a lot to learn how to smile
So now I am gonna talk to my people,
About the storm, about the storm
Oh so glad the worst is over
I can start flying now
My best days are right in front of me
Yeah and I am almost there
‘Cause now I am free

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can’t deny the truth
‘Cause I’m the living proof
So many don’t survive
They just don’t make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

I know where I am going
Hey ’cause I know where I’ve been
I am gonna feel strong that’s showing
I am gonna keep going
That’s the way that I will

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can’t deny the truth
‘Cause I’m the living proof
So many those who fight
They just don’t make it through
But look at me hey yeah
I am the living proof

Nothing about my life has been easy
But nothing’s gonna keep me down
‘Cause I know a lot more today
Than I knew yesterday
So I am ready to carry on
Oh Lordie

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Damon E Thomas / Mary Blige / Harvey Jr. / Thomas Newman

The Living Proof lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group 2011

Did I Fail Them?

February 4, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

The motherly guilt was alive and well recently, as I fought through the fear that I have failed my son(s). The ‘if only’ statement rolls in my thoughts, full well knowing that those ‘if only’ wishes will not change a thing. It only keeps me in a fear mode as worry tags along.

When writing a recent blog and researching the childhood emotional neglect (CEN) yet again, reading the symptoms, etc., which I have had, panic set in for the boys, especially my youngest.

I know it is proven to be passed along through generations, which would be me, and if so, then I have failed them, too. Had I known what I know now, a familiar phrase spoken by many, whether a parent or not, while I did many things right, I would change some areas.

If what I have gone through and the struggles, I wonder if my sons are going to also. Will it be different with a son than as a daughter? I do not know the answer.

My years of them under our roof has come and gone, now they are too busy. The days speed by so quick and time is limited when visiting or in my life as my days are getting to be less.

Reminiscing of their childhood, I had happy babies. Looking at them, smiling and covering them with love, hugs, kisses and prayers as we rocked and read books. This was something I did not have growing up and proud that I did that with them. Often I wonder though, do they remember?

Through the years, these sweet boys brought me so much joy and even all those dirty clothes. They knew I would be their number one cheerleader back then and know that even now. The teenage years were interesting. The independence and pulling away from mom was happening with my oldest, I remember, which had me frantic at times but soon learned this was normal with boys. When the youngest did the same, I caught on and realized a new phase in their life was happening. Okay, I’ve got this. Even in these years, I wonder if they remember and have good memories of their mom. I was there for them, I always will be but less so they could grow into adulthood, loosening the apron strings

Or do they remember me depressed from the dying marriage happening right in front of them with their dad while I am trying to appear strong and happy keeping our family intact? Even though I lost some precious time, I pushed my way through for them. Do they remember? Or do they remember and did they feel the underlying anger I had toward their dad? The dark days of depression added and being buried with much grief of not just my parent’s deaths, but the death of my marriage, a marriage I always desired but will never have, and most importantly time with my boys and us all as a family unit. Grief in all ways was surrounding me. Those were rough days… years. I hope they don’t remember. I would like to forget it myself.

The ‘if only’ or ‘if I could do over’ days are over, there is no going back. While these statements brought worry and fear along with tears and all the negative thoughts that I failed them and not to forget that I was a bad mother, which are lies and from the enemy.

As a mother, I did the best I knew to do and still. I have to trust the Lord as I did back then, even though I wondered where He was at times and if He even remembered me. I must trust Him. My boys are grown adult men now and doing well. Will they need counseling one day to help in areas from childhood? I do not know but if they do, I will support them to do so. I want only the best for them. Perhaps with my own work in these areas, this will stop the pattern in generations to come.

I just hope they remember their mom’s love, hugs, kisses, support and prayers, especially when it is time for a nice, clean smelling nursing home. 🥰

I Love my Boys (Men). ❤️❤️

So perhaps you have had the parental guilt yourself. The enemy wants nothing more to keep us believing the lies that we have failed our child(ren). All you can do is your best and trust the Lord

Parental Guilt: Forgiving Yourself For Parenting Mistakes

https://drjonicewebb.com/ E92393B8-C3D7-4822-9013-4E9EC5F53B07

Word from Lysa Terkeust: “Satan wants us to be afraid.

I’m not talking about the healthy kind of fear that keeps us safe. No, I’m referring to that horrible kind of fear that whispers worst-case scenarios.

While we’re distracted with fear, the enemy pickpockets our purpose, cripples our courage, dismantles our dreams and blinds us to the beauty of the Lord’s great plans.

Are you struggling with fear in any area of your life right now? Maybe there’s a relationship causing anxiety. Or a problem you’re facing where there seems to be no solution.

Stop right now and speak the name of Jesus. Proclaiming His name brings power, protection and perspective that crushes fear. It is the name above every other.”

https://www.lysaterkeurst.com/

Ring of Hope

January 4, 2020January 4, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

On my way to work yesterday morning, for whatever reason, I was thinking about hope. We all need it, we have it or we want it. Life is so hard to be hopeless and I know for a fact that it is.

Years ago, I faced some rough periods that lasted for many years in my marriage and with family members, and still. It was back then though and at times, I did not care if I lived or if I died. I just existed. My boys were my life and having them, I knew I had to plow through the lies, betrayal and whatever else was thrown at me. All of this was not just me thinking it, it was actually happening in my life and then in my mind it would work overtime convincing me that I am worthless. The hopelessness loomed over me like a dark cloud, and I remained quiet within my safe cocoon, not sharing my emotions and the chaos within. Due to those that I thought loved me, I felt saddened and that nobody could be trusted, I pulled away from everyone, keeping my distance.

I breathed the same air that they did but I was dying 13D4E067-76AB-4802-A6AC-4B6CC9F7003D inside and really nobody cared, even the church. Perhaps I had made myself so invisible. With those sitting on the same pew and around me or even the Pastor looking out at the congregation, I was alone, screaming inside for somebody to help me. How to help me? I did not know but 30C95648-A081-4DE2-9E9B-28AB4C6A35A7 any glimmer of hope was snatched and held onto, if just a smile or a pat on my arm. There was hope, that I was still among the living.

One evening we went to a department store walking through the aisles but away from my husband. I was just there but feeling so empty. I had no plans to purchase anything on that trip and I am unsure why we were there but we were. It was down this one aisle, which had end of the season items in it and at a discount. There was a small landscape rock on the shelf that just had HOPE on it, which caught my eye. It did not cost much as I picked it up, looked at it and knew I needed HOPE and trying not to cry. Still I put it back on the almost empty shelf and walked away. Sadly, it looked lonely on that bare shelf as I placed it back down and walked away. As we got near to the cashier, I kept thinking of the rock. I wanted that rock but felt how selfish that was of me to buy a silly rock for myself. Still, I could not let it go in my mind so I went back to get it and brought it home with me. It is still in my landscape after all of these years by my front porch and I see it when I come in and when I leave. I have HOPE, if just in a rock.

I have to believe that the Lord wanted me to see that rock and to have it, just to lift my spirit up for a bit and still years later. One night on my way to church, I felt like I needed to take the rock with me. Now it is my pet rock, as I amused myself placing it in my purse for whatever reason. That evening, the worship service was great as usual and as a friend was leaving the platform, she looked at me and said, I think you have something to say. Yikes! Actually, I did and it was all about HOPE. While they knew nothing of what I was going through, I could at least express hope for somebody in the congregation to grasp, too, if needed. Plus, it helped me to share the HOPE in my life and circumstances.

While I would love to erase those sad, terrible years and the memories, I do not want to forget either. As hard as it was, I am a better and stronger person within myself and in my faith. I had to have HOPE that the Lord would help me and He did, He still does and He will.

In this time period also, it was when I was at a sports or a musical event in a big arena. I remember sitting there by myself but I know others were with me, although I felt alone whether they were there or not in that season of my life. As I sat there and looked around, I saw a shiny object in the corner, under a seat. Of course, I was curious as to what it was so I managed to pick it out of the yuck in the corner. It was a ring. A simple silver, not sterling or of value really, but it had HOPE wrote on it. One of those moments you think and smile, thank you Lord of HOPE.

Now with that ring on my finger to enjoy during the event especially, I felt I needed to turn it in but there was nothing open to give it to anyone for lost and found. I did end up taking it on home with me and wearing it. It was NO accident really that I found that ring. I do believe that the Lord was just reassuring me to have HOPE.

Such a few, simple things as such to make one’s faith grow because I know He knows my name and He knows where I am and the same with you. HAVE HOPE, grasp and hold onto it. Trust Him!

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 5:1 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Without Christ there is no hope.” -Charles Spurgeon

Psalm 39:7 And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

1 Timothy 6:17 As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy.

Psalm 71:5 For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth.

Mark 9:23 And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.”

Psalm 43:5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 119:114 You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.

Psalm 33:18 Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love,

Job 5:15-16 He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth; he saves them from the clutches of the powerful. So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts its mouth.

Every thing that is done in the world is done by hope – Martin Luther

Psalm 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;

Psalm 119:81 My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your word.

Psalm 9:18 For the needy shall not always be forgotten, and the hope of the poor shall not perish forever.

2 Corinthians 3:12-14 Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away.

Psalm 146:5 Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God,

Psalm 42:11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Titus 1:1-2 Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ, for the sake of the faith of God’s elect and their knowledge of the truth, which accords with godliness, in hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began