I had the pleasure of being a mother to two awesome boys. When I was growing up, I always thought I wanted a girl. I knew with my husband being from a family of all boys, the odds were pretty good for another boy. I decided against a third child due to caring for my parents while having toddlers. I was overwhelmed. Two was plenty and a joy but also hard work, as they keep you on your toes. I was responsible for these two and I hoped and prayed I would be a good mother.
I enjoyed each age and stages in their lives and so proud of them as they grew up, and still. Both are grown and successful in life with their professions. My oldest is married, celebrating their second anniversary in several weeks.
The other night, I again had to deal with the fact of being asked to watch their dog while they go do something fun with her parents this coming weekend. This was not the first time. While I do not mind, I would enjoy time with them, too. I had to laugh as I remembered my boss warning me 
before their marriage that I will lose him as a son and he was correct. Still, it hurts.
I know I am not the only one that gets sad in this scenario. Am I? As I tried to talk myself out of the pity party I was having, I thought I would just write about it. I was warned not just by my boss but my sister also having boys.
In having boys, I have to wonder and sometimes fret over my age, if I will need care or a nursing home. What will happen? I certainly hope my daughter-in-law loves me as much as I love her. I am in the role of watching others in this position and if the boys step up to the plate in caring for their aging parents.
So, if you have boys, you’ve been warned. lol
I am waiting for the open door, to walk through to freedom in life, as there is more for me and I await patiently because it is happening, I feel it. I want to rush through it but I continue to stand, knowing the Lord’s Timing is always right on time. I wait.
There is a part of me that would rather you look me in the eye and say, I do not like/love you, I hate you, I do not want anything to do with you, etc., than to find out later it was all a lie, questioning our relationship. While that would be horrific, at least I would know what I was dealing with.
am kind of getting used to the sharpness and the dull pain it presents. It just reopens and irritates the wound from before that I was getting over. How many times do I have to endure the agony? It’s hard when it repeats itself, especially from those you would not expect.
The walls get built to protect from letting others hurt you once again. Perhaps not allowing myself to be me, was something we discussed often in counseling, afraid to be vulnerable. I understand. How can the walls not be built to keep the pain away? There is a distrust. It takes time and healing of such pain to dissipate, hopefully. When you think you can trust again and it happens yet again, the walls go back. The wall gets bigger.
thoughts and decision of no more counseling, no more caring, no more nothing. Done! Just go to work, home and repeat. Exist. Exactly where the enemy wants me yet again, to be isolated and depressed.
As much as my heart hurts, I know that the Lord knows all about my pain. I have to trust Him through this. I did not have the energy before, years ago and for years, but now I do. I will Praise Him through this pain and He will see me through.
Just Pondering... 