I have sat on the loveseat in my counselor’s office week after week, year after year trying to understand life as an older, adult woman and realizing my childhood held a lot of the keys to the confusion felt.
Why has it taken me this long to ‘get it’ as my years are getting shorter and feel I have missed out on so much in life due to situations somewhat out of my control. The rush against time to fix areas and acknowledgement plus receive healing seems to be at one moment delightful and then the other overwhelming.
As we discussed my own childhood issues so many times, I felt the burden and so often while reading about emotional neglect and abandonment, the burden that I let my own children down. I have failed them. How do I make that right now from their childhood? They are both grown adults. They seem well adjusted, confident but are they really? Will they ever express to me where I failed? Could I handle it, if so? I want to ask them but I am fearful to know, too. Will they even know until they also might be sitting on a counselor’s loveseat trying to understand life as I am and realize the damage done. The cycle of life as we all fail in one area or another or more.
Not just in my own circle but as I look around at the families nowadays and everyone is on their cellphones. In due time, that will affect the children, soon to be adults. The lack of eye to eye contact and communication is almost gone.
If only…. how many times we all say that. If only I could do some things over, I would still fail my children. So when the burden or guilt overrides my parenting, I know that I must remember I did the best that I could with what I knew. Today, and always, they know I love them. My time left on this earth and our time together, I do know that they will have a more happy, healthier mother before them.
I have let you down in many ways but I will always lift you up and I hope that is enough, my child. Mom ❤️
This morning as I was walking with my walking buddy, we discussed how when we did not have two nickels to rub together, as they say, when young and starting out on our own, that someone helped us. Today, we have not forgotten the person or their kindness, not to mention the expense. Paying forward now is what we do and hopefully the trend continues.
parents still, which was fine then. Our telephone rang, I answered and it was a lady we know stating her rental house was available. Great, I’ll tell my bother and sister-in-law was my thought. As I walked up to the finished attic that served as my living room and bedroom, I kept hearing, ‘It’s for you.’ Each time, it was if I could turn around and see somebody standing and saying ‘It’s for you.’ A little spooky. Those words would not leave.
Okay, fine! I called the lady back and inquired about the small, shotgun-type house and, of course, her husband had the time to show it to me right then. So, I went to look at it. I picked it apart in my mind of what it needed, did not have and built my case to show the Lord it was not for me. No doubt, He knew I would try to prove Him wrong.
So much to say and to interject but I keep getting interrupted. Seriously! What gives? Am I not important? Are my comments not of importance? Sometimes I feel invisible and not seen or heard.
listen to me as I am not finished talking. I just move on and forget my information or story, who cares, is my attitude. Maybe I am boring but still she doesn’t know me truly but this has been my life. Nobody really knows me. Perhaps this is why I like to write.
Most importantly… He knows my voice and He knows your voice.
Just Pondering... 