Change on a Dime

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say.  This day was going so well.  The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork.  I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded.  Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave.  Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

63B8434B-7309-49F6-913D-9DEEB59C1111I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would.  I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life.  Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks.  No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…177F9360-1487-40FC-A06B-EC6F46CC93A8

Am I Right to Write?

34961F5B-2FF8-4A57-82A1-C06BD85311C0Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence.  After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted.  Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion.  I miss talking to her.
While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that.  The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to.  The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant.  I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time.  Today included.
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There is a risk of being hurt.  Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her.  Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read.  I never want to bother anybody.  Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him.  I won’t.
It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing.  If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good.  Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth.  Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right?  It comes down to fear, yet again in me.  E5461E46-3B27-4E72-9142-058106A065C9
Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt.  I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie.  She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself.  Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing.  Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this.  Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning.  Still, tears will fall.  A part of my life is gone.  Will it return and will it ever be the same?  Probably not.
Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome?  Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.
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But I Need You!

3b2a2c9b-5a9c-4756-b357-116c86fc96a3Today.  I need you!  Actually, that is a daily cry from my heart.  You left me.

Reflecting back and still in my mental routine of going to a counseling session each Monday, for the past four years, I grieve because it’s over.  I grieve but I do find anger in the midst while yet I do understand.  Anger at her and anger at God.  Thankfully, I recognize what it is and probably normal to experience.  Both probably know that this is of no surprise.

The abandoment issues within me rears it’s ugly head to bring the  sadness over it all and memories.  Then to read an article on fear of abandonment and the recommendation was to consult with a therapist/counselor.  Seriously?  That’s the reason I feel it.  So now what?  I wanted to laugh and to cry.  Just to discuss all of this with my counselor would be so nice.  My heart cries out, I need you.

There are so many things in front of me right now that brings anxiousness within, as I feel so overwhelmed.  Stumbling around it feels, like with my hands outstretched, as in a blind person.  Help me.  I need you.

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Even though these thoughts, feelings and emotions seem to overtake me, just for a bit, I have no doubt that the Lord feels the same.  Whether it be me, you or others.   His cry, too, is ‘I need you.’

I need you to come to Me.  I need you to tell Me your fears, thoughts, etc.  I need you to trust Me.  I will help you.

He’s there all the time and even though I go through grieving periods, He knows that of me, He knows me so well, but is ever so sweet and He gently reminds me, I need you to come to Me.

I get it!  I need You, Lord Jesus.

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Afraid to Look

C7537AAC-939A-418A-A6EA-7986FF102360Theres a blog, there’s a Facebook page.  There are articles left and right, at a touch of a key, and I can find what I need. Although I am afraid to look, see and read.

The triggers within me of yet feeling more abandonment will scream loudly and I feel fear even considering. If I read something that hits me hard, panic sets in and fearful I’ll go deeper in the hole of depression.  Grief is real, whether in a death or a loss.  324FC750-C70A-4D50-BC9A-5D57AC9029C5

I want to read, just to know she is there as it will bring calmness to the chaos of worry within. But yet, I don’t want to be hurt if I read something again that causes pain or emotions to come.  I really have nobody to understand, or to help me understand myself.

So, I ignore and go about my day knowing I am still struggling and that healing is far from me, it feels.  What happened in my childhood to cause this continuous loop of attachment in others within me?

Just as the last post I read from my counselor, now many, many weeks ago, it was if she wrote that for and about me. What do I do?  It left me with thoughts and questions that remains swirling inside my head.

Do I face my fear head on and read and open up perhaps a flood of feelings?   Or do I give myself grace as I still feel grief of losing her still and let it all be?   I really miss my counselor.  I miss having somebody to listen to me and feel like she understood me. Why can’t I just forget her?  I am even afraid to find another because I don’t want to give up on her, hoping she will be back.  Then I wonder has she given up on me. BC9F1D4C-8A4B-4BCC-BD2C-E747C74735C5

The holidays do not help.  I’m ready to get past Christmas although it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right?

Feeling lonely and sad as abandonment and attachment issues slaps me in the face over and over, as the old adult as I am and just like in childhood. Will it ever end?  What happened to me?

Thankfully, the Lord knows my name and He knows where I am.   He is all I have.

But still…D57503A7-24CB-4AC1-87BB-9A0FA5D7DD86

 

Feels Like Forever

Time has passed and I have not talked to you.  So many times I think of you and wonder what it is like for you now.  What are you doing?  How are you?  The questions roll over and over, day after day in my mind.  You are missed! 62E5DB0E-AE92-4FBB-8FA5-9995B07D3C4D
While the time has been just a few weeks, it feels like a year.  I so miss you and I miss talking to you.  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever wonder what it is like for me, what I am doing or how I am?
Grief has a way to digging into our heart and thoughts and feelings of our relationship that is of non-existence, which makes me sad.  Time was devoted and now there is none. 271E1CDA-1BFE-4760-91A3-AF632A6781C3
My mind can go to the negative quickly, as I am dead to you now, but I choose not to do that.  I try anyway.  Whether you like it or not, I was a part of your life.  Many times I expressed my heart and feelings to you, you know I care.  I still do.
I am healing slowly and getting through the raw feelings of being abandoned, yet again.  The tears are less and the smiles are upon my face more and I accept a new normal to my usual routine of life.
74E7FA61-57BF-4538-8E69-54FA18A396D1The void is still present but being filled and I am allowing just that.
Grief, whether in death or in real-life losses, it is still grief.
Take one day at a time.  Wipe the tears, cherish the memories and go forward.
You have to!

Grief Sucks

5076C768-66B7-4F0C-9109-D7DA0CEF41E9In death and in life, losing someone that you care for is heart wrenching and unbearable.  At times the tears fall so hard and fast that seem like they will never stop.  They sometimes appear at the most unusual times and I can’t stop them.  When alone at night, the overwhelming loss seems to be too much for me to contain, the void exists.

How many days will the tears come?  Nowadays, it’s counting how many days that they don’t.  I have lost so many loved ones to death.  I, too, have lost many in life.  Whether our paths end and we go our separate ways or maybe I pull away afraid to get hurt, sometimes both. Then with a dead marriage and children leaving and stretching forth their independence, the moments hit when loneliness brings hopelessness.

Questions emerge of asking God all the whys.  Why did you allow this?  All the symptoms of grief circle around me.   Feelings of not knowing who I even am or what am I to do now and just the numbness that freeze me in fear.

Pencil Sketches Cry Girl With Boy Little Girl Crying Drawing At Getdrawings | Free For PersonalOne thing I do know… tomorrow is a new day.  To rest and usually cry myself to sleep is the norm.  It’s knowing that God knows my heart and the heaviness I feel within that gives me hope.  It’s trusting in Him when there is nobody else and pushing myself out the door when I would rather hide under the covers in total depression.  I go but there are days I wear a mask, but I go.

Grief can stop you in your tracks, whether it is with the living or the dead.  Either way, it sucks.  Just keep walking through it.  The tears will be less, the grief settles down within and a new norm will come about.  Memories of the good still exist, treasure them.