I feel the battle is on. A spiritual warfare that a mother will fight for her son (children), in my case a grown son, at that. My gut instinct for weeks proved right when an unexpected visit from me after much avoidance. My determination was to knock and stay at his door until he came home, opened the door or possibly call the police if need be. Fear overwhelmed me for days, not knowing if I would find my son alive or dead, especially that night. Not what a mother needs to consider but was a possibility.
To finally have the door open after hesitation on his part, I was lost in emotion as I hugged him. A mothers heart will do that, fall apart from happiness and even anger. As I sat next to him, saying what I felt, he promised to stay in touch but day after day, his word failed yet again. As I sat next to him, he did not hesitate to lay his head on my shoulder. He needed his mom just as much. As we sat there talking, he shared just enough with me of what was he was dealing with due to pride and independence.
I just have to pray as tears flow still, fight the worry and thoughts that pop in my mind, as I try to trust the Lord fully. But, Lord, PLEASE!
As a mother, we have to cut the apron stings, which is normal and with mileage in between our homes, that was necessary. He is grown but he is still my boy. It is probably a good thing with the distance but it feels as though he is a million miles away. We each have our own life of work, commitments, etc., to tend to so I cannot helicopter parent him. Of course, that is not normal. I have to keep my faith in God. So hard to do at times.
Being a parent is such a blessing, all ages, but so hard at times. God wants each of us to look to Him. Perhaps that is where we are in this matter, my son has to make a choice.
Of what I know with what is before him, he has to work through this. I cannot do it for him. We had a rough patch a few years back and he did get through it and learned a valuable lesson in the process. That’s life and how it should be, and I was so proud of him. I’m always proud but the anguish is overriding. We are at the crossroads again, I feel.
Faith ▪️ Hope ▪️ Love
As a mother, no doubt each of us as a little girl dreamed of being one. The anticipation of dating, kissing, falling in love, marriage and then comes a baby carriage. Bet you are thinking or singing the little ditty of a song that goes along with this dream.
child, school, sports, illnesses, etc. Then the next is that they are off to college and maybe never to return back home. Their bedroom sits empty and the noises and smelly socks and shoes are gone, in my case. Just memories last and pride bursts through of their independence and success.
No matter how tall they get or where they go in life, this child I carried within and in my arms will always be in my heart. When they hurt, I hurt. Letting go to allow life and its lessons bash them is more than a mother can withstand. Is it paybacks of what we did to our mothers perhaps? Just as a toddler walking, they fall and get back up. Same with an adult child. Knowing this period brings growth in them, it swallows us up in fear.
As a mother, I know that I can pray for God to cover my child with His protection. Praying continuously. To bring Christians in their path to speak hope and life when hearing their mom over and over again, goes in one ear and out the other. Still, I am the biggest cheerleader in their life and always will be. My love is everlasting.
Today, I feel I will lose yet another key person in my life. Finding myself at a doctor’s appointment, which was for me, it was me giving advice and encouragement to the doctor. Thankfully, he confided in me, knowing of my own counseling experience but also that I can be trusted and that I care and will pray.
Just Pondering... 