Once Was

Happy Anniversary LetteringThe day after!

I woke up earlier than need be after a restless night of sleep.  This time with the thought of my wedding anniversary, my 29th one that bypassed without a word the day before.  I’m okay with that although I found the day held a gloom over it. Sadness in my body of knowing what was, that has not been, that is not now or will ever be.

He is always good at giving me a card that is usually set out by my coffee pot, knowing I will see it there and sure enough there it was.  He’s very routine. The card acknowledged by me but dismissed.   I doesn’t matter anymore, it just brings sadness. I looked at the card, read it and placed gently back in the envelope and placed on my wire rack where an place cards received and mementos to show off, for just a period of time.  

Thankfully, as I read, he is broke from writing ‘I Love You‘ after all these years.  Those words written and read produced anger within me for years wondering how he just does not get it.   It was fourteen years ago that his words spoken to me in our counselor’s office, not my Counselor of present, and neither one of them thought anything or replied of my WOW comeback of shock, which was, “I don’t love her and I don’t think I ever did.” I was done, with both of them.


How in the world was I to take those words and go on with being a wife, have sex and act as though we were happy.   My heart was crushed.  Plus ignored that night in counseling by both him and the counselor and then blamed that those words were taken out of context by him.  An apology never received but that I misconstrued his words.

Numb.  I was so numb which later turned to anger and hatred as the days, months and years numbered.  These words just added to the chaos I felt.  All these years with him and finding porn much earlier, which prompted the marriage counseling after much prodding on my part to bring him. How could all of this happen? To discuss issues was out of the question because he would turn away and avoid any confrontation so I was left to reel in this life of unhappiness of existence alone. The elephant in the room Syndrome and sweep it all under the rug.   


Years passed after leaving this marriage counselor and just an existence of an empty shell remained of me. Trying with everything inside of me to raise two boys and maintain sanity. Not easy but I did that for them. I became a real good actress to those around me and in church. I was dying inside.

Yes, many will say the boys would have been better off if we had divorced, but I knew that each of them had my care and watch upon them. I truly do not think he would do that and he would let them run astray. I feel proud today knowing I stuck it out and they are both successful young men.

While I am not ignorant of the fact that they have had some emotional turmoil and issues growing up and will have to face some as an adult because of this, but I will pat myself on the back for sticking it out through some hell but also kicking myself of some of the hell that they experienced. I had to trust the Lord then and I do now.

This past year though along with the years of counseling with my personal counselor that I write about, I began to get a grip of myself, my life and of this so-called business partnership, marriage that I am a part of and that is of boundaries. What a difference.   

unhappy marriage quotes quotesgram sad marriage quotes

While we are still legally married and under the same roof, it is not a marriage and no intention of it being any different, til death do us part (or divorce do we part). Today, I can be in the same room and carry on a conversation with him but it is all a general, life discussion. Typical with Aspergers, which makes sense why I felt like I was going crazy with this man. Years ago, I walked into my counselor’s office feeling almost dead in all areas of my life. 

Holding onto a thread of hope, which she gave me and I truly feel the Lord led me to her. Otherwise, I do not know where I would be right now. Somebody heard me, understood me and I did not feel so alone in life. Research, reading and getting grounded in knowledge of what I was going through opened my eyes and my life restored to a point of existence and wanting to exist.  The counselor does their part but it takes the client to do their part, too.

Thankfully today, the tension and much hatred is gone and that has been nice.  I am hoping and going on that the Lord has changed and healed me in many areas.  I am not responsible for him.  Forgiveness goes without saying, a must.  This did not come overnight, but today I am happier, allowing myself boundaries in this so-called business-marriage relationship.  For now, it works.


Grip of Fear

Fear is no stranger to me or me of it.  Always lurking around ready to attach and bring me down.  

I have done so well lately, well a few days, but at one point while at work this afternoon, it hit.  The panic starts and questions roll within my mind of the what if’s.   At the time, I was thinking about counseling, my counselor.  Today is a Monday, my usual day to meet with my counselor as we have for years so it seemed appropriate that it happen today. My routine has been disrupted and I still feel lost by not going.

While she is on a leave of absence, perhaps six months or maybe longer, my mind zips to when she will return.  Will she call me?  Will I be invited back?  Am I anybody to her now?  The questions continue and bombard my mind and my body is reacting in panic of what if she doesn’t, you are nobody, it’s over, and so on.  

While all of this seems to last forever, it did not.  I was able to recognize what was happening, remembering her advice and direction, realizing I was feeling tired and overwhelmed with my work and how my body was frozen and feeling a sense of doom. All of this just added further chaos to my busy day, but I was happy I did not stay there.  

The hopelessness and tightness in my body was evident.  What am I going to do?  How am I going to make it?  I miss her.  I need her.  Oh my God, help me.  Panic!

Fear is torment no matter how it comes or what about.

Understanding and control finally took over and I continued with my work.  Considering the grip it had at the time, I decided to write.

Again, I have done so well the past few days and adjusting of our sessions no longer happening, knowing I still have attachment issues and feel the abandonment in this relationship, but I know I must go forward and I will. Hopefully, in a more healthier way than with past relationships. I’m still learning, growing and healing.

Whether I am called back if or when she starts counseling again, I don’t know, time will tell. It would hurt me deeply if not and I don’t know how I will respond, if so, but silently cry many tears and write more.

While it would be nice to know and hear from her, I realize boundaries are in tact in our counselor/client relationship, so I patiently wait. I care for her and I pray for her.

When the fear comes, and it will, no matter what form, all you can do is try to get a grip.


Will It Be The Same?

7AAFC4E5-79AB-41ED-BBA6-1AFE3F659166As I get through some days and adjust to how it is and will be for awhile without my counselor, that has been a part of my life the last four years, I wonder and I ponder if and when we would start back up if it will be the same.

Odds are, no.  While that saddens me, perhaps I realize that I have grown more than I thought with our counseling sessions.  Four years on a weekly and sometimes twice a week, that is a lot.  Or is it that I am fearful that she will abandon me yet again.  I don’t know.   Time will tell and perhaps a counseling session or two, if it happens, I will know.  I really miss her though.  Today, I know I must go forward with or without her.  While I don’t like that, I know some people cross our paths for just a time.

I am adjusting and understand that the attachment I have toward her and the feelings of abandonment is from my childhood totally.   Something happened or perhaps over and over again to where I did not cling to my mother or my family but escaped in my own little world of independence.  I did not depend upon them for physical love.  Sadly, I do not remember a hug from anybody while growing up.  Unless you consider the half hug, stating this is my baby, while drunk.  No thank you, I’d rather do without.  My thought then, is if this is the only time that you can show me love, I’m not interested.  Sad.

Our family was large and with me being the youngest of seven siblings, seven years apart from my sister, that is a case for chaos in a child’s mind and emotional state.  Everyone was too busy with their lives, only to recognize and remind me that I am the baby.

93E817D3-0B87-40E3-9883-753E9C6C9734How many times have I heard, she’s the baby, she gets everything, blah, blah, blah.  Perhaps so because I was left while they all went about their lives, but I also got the short end of the stick.  I lived through some things they did not, such as the fighting, drunkenness, wreckless driving, to name just a few.   They will never know of all that and those situations because for one, they won’t believe me and another they still will not take to care.

Fear all around at a young age and nobody to share that with is tormenting and causes one to close in on themselves.  Never would I speak of things to a school counselor or a teacher, for that matter.  Nobody knew.

So for me to be drawn to my fifth grade teacher at a time of  growing and heading into puberty, I needed a role model and it was her as she was dressed well, jewelry, shoes, clothing matched.  I watched her every move in order to learn proper etiquette.  A beautiful woman she was and still is today.

With her, I became obsessed.  Living on the opposite side of town, I could see her house when driving down the highway.  Just to see a light on, it calmed me.  I was able to escape my lonely world as a child and going into hers wondering what she was doing, imagining a conversation between us, thrilled that a light was on because I knew she was home and near, etc.  There would be no connection between us then, except at school, but just the fact she was there, a light was on, I felt peace.  I never could understand why.

The little 1 x 1 school picture that I carried of her and looked at often gave me a sense somebody cared for me.  This teacher never knew any of this, probably just knowing I liked her, as students do, but truthfully she helped me grow up and understand what I wanted to portray in life.

Others have come and gone in my journey and to see a pattern, they are all teachers, nurses or hold a position in a company.  Each one I did about the same but usually became more friends with them as I become older and that was even better because I could talk and ask questions and learn from them.  Some of these special women have moved, our 0E8E6586-CCB7-4F5E-9E2E-6CFDF560210E close, crossed paths ended but still we still remain friends, and sadly a couple have passed.  I will always be thankful for their place in my life  because each one, I grew from and they showed me care, concern and love.

Then there are a hand full of others that were like mother figures to me and a few overlapped in role model.  I needed each of these to grow and receive love I never had in life growing up.

It was not that I wasn’t loved but I was never shown love or did they take time to know me.  I was just there.   While I remember asking my Mom if I was an oops baby when I was seven or eight and the question dismissed, I now truly believe I was.  That’s rough, even as a adult to accept.  B2FEE073-85E2-41D9-81A5-4041D85C0695

With all those that held a role-model and mother-figure, place in my life and heart, it boils down to that they took time to know me, to care and show me love in hugs.   Those hugs were like blood that flows through our bodies, they brought life and hope to me.  I felt special to them.  I needed those hugs.


As with time and separation of each, it causes a void but I understand that they were in my life at that time for a purpose then.   Unless they have passed, I am still in contact with them but not as often.  The fond memories remain and hugs come when we meet.

Where would I be without them?  I don’t know but I am so thankful they were and are a part of my life.

Still, the ones that held and hold this place in my heart and I feel an attachment to, I still look for the light on.

My counselor, knowing she is on a leave of absence, her sign is still on the window at her office.  That brings me peace as I drive by,  as she is still present to me by seeing this while having no contact.  Attachment, my survival mode, yet again.  If and when that sign comes down, I may fall to pieces for a bit, as my world will feel chaotic and abandonment hits once again.  I dread that day.

99D74B0C-30FB-4A3C-9FD8-BC683664F4BFIt is interesting how a young child can go into a survival mode to help with abandonment, attachment issues and childhood emotional neglect… and continues but understanding nowadays why.

Thankfully, I had a counselor to help me understand all this and make sense of the chaos from childhood to adulthood.  Even between us, she understood me and the attachment issues, I felt.  To be heard and understood brings healing.



Words to Grasp

“I care for you and I love you.”

973f1f23-b95e-4a35-95a9-469e189acb7e-15524-0000034ece28389cWill you even be able to grasp that? The comment made to me from my counselor of four years in our apparent exit telephone conversation.  We had a nice relationship as counselor and client. How could we not? The trust in her and care and a love felt was present from one another, along with the boundaries required in this equation.

There had been times I wish we had a friendship rather than being counselor/client but knowing I needed her in that role, I was able to adapt and respect it.

Our last conversation and toward the end, those words were said to me.   While I knew I loved her as my counselor, a sister-like friend, I never expected to hear that from her.  It definitely took me by surprise, and I froze.  Did I hear that correctly as I gasped and rehearsed in my mind?  Minutes later, to hear her say lightly, “will you even grasp what I just said?”  Still in shock, I did not know.   I heard her say that, questioning me because she knows me so well.  I did not respond because of my shock and questioning myself if I heard her correctly or did I just hope and imagine that comment.  While I know she did, the surprise was shocking.  I do know, and I have repeated those words almost daily if not more, I still do.

You see, I never heard those words, ‘I love you’ growing up and still in a dead marriage of almost thirty years, nothing.  Always, just to expect they loved me, leaving a big void in my life.  So for me to gasp and wonder if I heard her correctly, it is understandable.   Sometimes my heart aches from a lack of love.  That, too, would be normal to feel, a definite loss.

Deep within, I do grasp those words as I repeat them as I mentioned; but also at times I question the validity just because it is not a usual comment made to me.  Love, I always have to wonder or in my case, ponder.

So many throw around the words of ‘love you’ and ‘love ya’ and while they are true, I desire sincerity.  Love means more to me than a word spoken freely.  With her words, I felt them and I wanted to hold onto them. I need to, in order to get through the loss.

So as I grasp the words from her or others that are sincere, I do hold onto them and it seems like I put them in a treasure chest within my heart to keep.

To hear them, to feel them is to grasp and hold onto them forever.

Be sincere with your love spoken.

Counselor —— 2 —— Counselor

The title probably looks like one counselor talking to another counselor.

It’s that I am trying to make a decision to move onto another counselor.  I do not really want to but feel I need some assistance to get over the last one.    How crazy it is that I need one to get over the last one.  Will this be a vicious cycle?   Lord, I hope not.

Due to a medical leave of absence, my last one left her 3FC12DB4-D7D4-4C4B-9267-335FF35A7B37practice for a bit although leaving me with the impression maybe forever.  It ended way too quick.  Too many unanswered questions and left feeling abandoned.  I have no doubt that she knows that this would affect me but I also she needs to care for herself with whatever is wrong.  Perhaps I pushed her over the edge.  Yikes!  I certainly hope not.
Being in her position, it can take its toll on ones own emotional well being.  Knowing that the extensive training required, her own counseling, regulating self-care herself, she is only human.  I don’t think I could listen to heartache after heartache and not be affected.

With this change, many emotions are on the table along with the many tears that have fallen.  The lost child within me searches and feels so unstable at times.  I know it is happening but I freeze in despair. I had a moment yesterday that just about pulled me under.

So many times through the years, we discussed recognizing the symptoms of how my body feels and reacts and that my breathing almost stops.  I used to hate when she would ask me questions, of what I was feeling, where I felt it in my body, etc., and at times thank me for breathing.  Whew!
9AF10290-7E58-4414-86EB-F6CDC222AF91No doubt fear in her wondering if I would literally pass out and she would need to do CPR.  While this is funny, it is not.  This whole life of struggling with fear of being left or the loss felt, is at times tormenting.  I just never realized how much so.   It’s been an interesting ride.
C3E3F2FD-CBD2-4804-97B1-642D2994D738I had her write down on a post-it note just prior to her leave, not realizing of her leave, but wanting these questions in my possession at all times:
*Notice what I am telling myself (usually negative).
*What emotions am I having (usually fear).
*What are my bodily actions, in breathing and posture (usually slower breathing as I am slumping down, crossing arms as in closing in).
*What are my bodily sensations (usually tightness in my throat, tense shoulders, I freeze in fear).
I do all that.  Always did that and still but I recognize it more today, because of her and consistently asking me, of which now I am thankful and miss her aggravating me.
It’s necessary to change the pattern. Sometimes just taking a step in one direction or another will offset the freeze mode.  Yesterday, I froze in fear at the office of what am I going to do?  I recognized it and proceeded to work, I got through it.  Not long after, I realized I got through that panic, fear, freezing craziness.  Yay me!


The negative thought pattern,  necessary to change it around.  Just like the thoughts that I have had that I probably caused her to leave, knowing full well that I don’t have that power and it was not her choice but her own body and wisdom to step aside for self care.  That stops the negative thinking in that scenario but I have more that I struggle with.  The neurons within our brain are affected as we change the pattern. Trust me, I need new neurons.7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

It’s amazing how our body reacts to our emotions and fear will cause havoc.


Never having somebody in my life to fully understand me and explain all this, I missed out.  So for me to feel the attachment issue magnified and abandonment at this point, it is normal I believe.  She was a lifeline to me.

Day by day I am slowly grasping my wits about this relationship and the loss.  I will be forever grateful of her.

CF1365CD-C6EE-4C7C-897B-AA7950F28F9BGiving me her blessings to find another counselor, to continue my growth and healing was hard to hear and receive, like she was throwing me out to the wolves (again negative thought), but she is allowing me to not be stuck and return to the way I was when I first stepped into her office.

I was almost dead in all areas (emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  Life just about destroyed me and I did not care for years until I knew deep down, I needed help or I would die.  The search was on with prayer, just as I am now but today better, but continuous help in my healing.

So counselor 2 counselor I will attempt.  I just hope that the Lord puts the right one in my pathway as this one.  I have to trust Him with that and be patient.

With this new counselor, if he/she starts with the questions of what emotion do you have, where do you feel this in your body and so on, I just might … smile.

I was truly blessed with my counselor.


The overwhelming panic that occurs within seems uncontrollable for minutes on end.   Finally, a calmness comes but at the moment, it feels as though my world is crumbling all around me.   I freeze in a state of panic.B0573495-F515-4206-9F85-C607EBDC63A8

Never realizing of all my life until a wise counselor brought this to my attention in the last few years.  The attachment issues for some, usually mother figures, which ends in loss.  Whether our paths no longer cross and the painful loss dwindles.  It comes in many forms but each one brings abandonment.   Yet again, I feel this deep within with the loss of my Counselor being on medical leave.

Really, will she return, I ask myself?  Will she even acknowledge me if and when she does?  Perhaps I caused this but knowing, I don’t have enough power to do that, to lose her whole practice with clients, so that eases my mind.  How can she do this to me? Knowing that is a selfish though but normal.  I do care for her well-being but, you left me.  These thoughts and fears roll over in my mind daily if not more, trying to cope in life.  If people only knew the craziness of it all within me, they would be shocked.   I have to be cool but I am not   Guess that is where my actress skills with my mask comes in handy.


So today, I pondered the ‘root’ of this abandonment within my life.  It is a childhood issue.  Most adult problems are childhood issues.   Now, I want to know when, where and why this developed within me.  What major loss caused me to deal with this pain throughout my life and still, over and over again.

This leave of absence of hers has put me in anxiety, like never before.   There are a lot of loose ends that are dangling, that causes me chaos.  Many times we discussed this dangling in our sessions with various topics.  Now, a BIG dangling area is before me with no hope.

0A79AC16-9E30-4FBF-8013-280372439DCBI have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings.  I need her!  All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life.   Help me!6CF60112-5953-4897-AB97-CD92508902A6

How can I not be angry at times?  At her, at God, at myself.  Here I go again but it feels a million times worse than the last time.  I’m older, I should be able to grasp and get my act together but at times I lose it.  It takes everything within me to hold it together.

Maybe I am at this point to get to the root of this problem. Maybe God displaced her to make me depend upon Him more.   I understand this but cannot help to feel anger even with that.   I learned a long time ago, that I can be angry with God and I can tell Him that.  I have.  It’s actually freeing.   He knows anyway.

The journey of healing is not easy but is worth it.   Oh Dear God, please open my eyes to see and understand where this root came from, to remove and to bring healing to my Spirit, Soul and Body.

If you have been following my blog, thank you.  While many of my writings are depressing, it is because it is.  This is a walk that is uncomfortable and brings vulnerability on my part to share.   Even so, it has helped me to write, tell my story and be heard even if in print.  Again, thank you.

One day maybe my counselor will read my blogs to see where I have been, where I am and one day where I will be.  I was blessed to have her in my life and I hope and pray for her daily.

Where Am I Going?

DF6F6EC3-C9F6-41FB-8722-F74D7C370EEFI’m unsure what lies ahead.  Truly, do any of us know?  Things in our daily life can change in an instant and our lives disrupted of the boring norm that exists.  I know at times life does get monotonous and joy seems so far away, as it happens.

Thankfully, I am not dealing with a loss in a death but it sure feels like it some days.  Perhaps, I am at this point because I had so much of an attachment to someone that in order to recognize and stop this process, God had to rip this person away.  How mean that it is of Him to do!  While I understand, it still does not help my coping at times.  He is a jealous God.

47100026-CA7B-427E-A2EC-25BCC24F7E2CWith that, we are not to be jealous of others but that scripture say He is.  Isn’t that contradiction?   Again, I understand that He Is because He Is and my faith in Him is of utmost importance but my mind has problems unraveling the idea of this jealousy.

All through my life, I have attached myself to others for their direction, wisdom and care.  A child with emotional neglect will undoubtedly reach out searching for such and rightfully so in order to feel loved and cared for.  Recognizing this now in my adult years, I do understand why I did it and still lean in that fashion. Childhood issues lurk long after childhood, causing adult issues and some all the way to the grave.

Losing yet another support person in my life is like the rug has been pulled out from under me.  I feel lost, lonely and grasping at air to hold on.  Sometimes screaming within and even aloud, ‘I need you.’

Along with childhood issues, trust in many was limited and still I let very few in my world. Acquaintances perhaps to enjoy laughter but not to know my heart, only a select few.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, as we need to be selective.

1DA59647-69F5-467D-9D25-64872142728CAs I faced a hurdle just recently, I don’t know what to do or where to go, what steps to take.  What I do know is to remain still and allow God to position my steps and my way.  This time in waiting is painful and lonely.  At times, I feel anger rise up.  All of these emotions are normal.  With Him, I scream within and aloud, ‘I need You.’