Anxiety – Page 3 – Just Pondering…

Broken Heart

November 26, 2020April 29, 2022ponderingmissylou4 Comments

Awake, early on Thanksgiving morning was not my plan. The older I get, the earlier I wake up. Perhaps it is to make the most of what days I have left and make every minute count.

This week, my planning and cleaning will all come together like a beautiful performance, is my hope anyway. I feel the anxiety building knowing in the next six hours, I must orchestrate the meal to take center stage as butterflies within are felt. Breathing in and out, calming myself, encouraging thoughts that it will all will work out. If not, we will order pizza and consider it a year, as it has been a year.

As I tried to go back to sleep, I felt my heart hurt like it does at times. I don’t like this feeling, of course, I think of a heart attack, which causes fear. I knew what was happening and now as I sit here writing while drinking my morning coffee, it is the anxiety that I feel. My stress level is increasing of which I need to be more aware of due to recent medical tests and results. Getting old is not what it is all cracked up to be, as they say.

In that moment with the aches, I was reminded of when I was in the hospital many, many years ago and they did not know what was wrong with me. Tests were done, etc., but my heart hurt. Back then they kept you for days instead of these outpatient tests or a twenty-four hour observation time in admittance.

I remember well this nurse questioning me, using her stethoscope, and just taking her time with me to figure me out. Please do. I remember this moment as if it just happened and perhaps for me to know that this pain is anxiety. After all these years, correlating the pain with what is happening in my life, I know to find a place to chill out and be calm. I will be okay.

At that time, my marriage was pretty rocky. I kept all the hidden secrets of a marriage in trouble all to myself then. I had nobody to really understand what was happening or trust. I really did not understand. As the nurse listened one more time to my heart, I said to her, “I think my heart is just broken.” Even then my comment went on deaf ears.

This morning, with the pain, my heart is broken yet again, but in a different manner.

So looking forward to seeing my youngest son today, he informs me late last night that a friend he was with on Sunday, tested positive with this virus on Tuesday.

Of course, he feels fine but was exposed. Asking if I thought it would be okay still if ‘we’ come, a friend to tag along with him. We, that means two exposed to come home. What is it with this younger generation? Now that I am old, I can ask this. Well, I was the same at that age when I took out my retirement because I’d never get old. Hello. So I understand him but I had to tell him, they could not come.
Oh my goodness, do you know how hard it was to tell your own child that they were not welcome for Thanksgiving? The tears would not stop as we texted back and forth over the hour. If you read my previous blog, Come Home, I mention that it has been four months since I have seen my son. I was so excited he would be here but now he won’t.

In that sadness, I was depleted of joy. My sleep was restless although it was nice to shut my eyes for a few hours.
To wake up with a broken heart, knowing the show must go on.
I look forward to being with my oldest son, his wife and her parents but there is a void. My youngest is not married and I know he deals with depression. He is alone. Crazy enough, I have to wonder also if he planned this, maybe his friend does not have the virus but made up to avoid coming. No matter, my heart hurts and feels broken yet again.

Anxiety is real. After so much, year after year, stress and anxiety can cause physical ailments, as I am now dealing with, yet again. This all adds up in the body and medical issues result.

So today we will gather for a short period and go back to our isolated world.

Thanksgiving 2020. The year 2020 we all want to forget but never will. Many hearts are broken today, not just mine, and in so many ways.

Thankfulness of what we do have and of those we love and care for continues. Count your blessings.

Perhaps you, too, are experiencing anxiety today or over this virus or whatever. Through it all, trust the Lord, for He cares. He knows your name and He knows where you are.

https://www.healthline.com/health/how-to-heal-a-broken-heart

Come Home

November 25, 2020November 25, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Here we all are. Again with shutdowns happening, fear being increased and are to avoid our own family for Thanksgiving and you and I both know, Christmas also, already, the same. Plus, stay locked up in our four walls while it feels our world is falling apart. In the meantime, many feel they are doing the same. How many will be in total hopelessness as this continues? If not already.

The other night, I read the mandates and knowing day by day it will probably increase with rules and directions of what we should and should not do. How much more? Many cannot take much more. My heart hurts for them and those that have lost and will lose loved ones, businesses, jobs and their homes. If I am overwhelmed at times, how many more around me feel the same or those further away. We are all in this together.

I have heard the words, “While we enjoy Thanksgiving with our loved ones, in January we will be planning a funeral.” Talk about fear. Talk about reality. What do we do? What is right? What is wrong? It seems like the very beginning of this pandemic, we all became aware of this virus, confusion has been in the midst. It continues. Loud and clear, they clammer. Just stay home! Stay secluded. .

Many will disregard the rules and mandates, as we have all seen and heard. Many still detest the mask wearing. Just wear the mask and wash your hands. It’s that simple. Opinions and thoughts along with the rolling of eyes are made if a plan is made and shame for doing so is added. Many will plan to gather with family members and friends. Some will lower their number in attendance to help stop spreading the virus.

I have not seen my youngest son since July 4th. My oldest, I did see last month briefly but no hugs and the distance was too much for me as his mom. I wrote more about this in my blog, The Bubble.

In my case, I have narrowed down my Thanksgiving gathering to just my immediate family and my daughter-in-law’s parents. They need to see their daughter and I need to see my sons. Our children, no matter how old, need to see their parents. Might I add, my son could not have picked a better set of in-laws and wife. We used to have MIL’s day out and shop or walk a marathon or two, until this pandemic. We are all family. Normally, I would have up to fifteen in the house so I have cut this to help, and I hope we all do well. I dislike that the other family members are not getting together in our home, for yet another holiday. I hate this virus, period.

I so want to hug my boys but I am afraid to hug them, too. As I wrote before in a blog, if it was just my chance of getting sick and possibly dying, okay, but I want to hug my boys. I also have to consider, what if I hug them and they get sick. The mom guilt would always haunt me. What if I do get this virus and die? The ‘what if’ and questions that follow of what is right and what is wrong just toss in my head, from day to day. Fear of living. I am sure I am not the only one that is feeling this tug, and a grieving.

Mentioning this to a medical technician the other day while I was having a test, we discussed families being together, and my ‘what ifs’ and her comment was, ‘You may not have another Thanksgiving.’ True! In her words, my mind was made up, and I felt more peace as we will gather together.

Of course, later I had to wonder about what she saw in my ultrasound, knowing I may not make it to the next one. Just a passing thought that I could have got serious about and worry or I could laugh, which I did. We do not know what tomorrow holds or even next year. I am going to see my boys (grown men) on Thanksgiving.

Living in fear is not the answer. I have lived with fear shadowing me majority of my life. As we all go about our daily lives, we are around people unknowingly that may be contagious and we make choices to be around others in work possibly the same, getting gas, groceries, etc. So, as a family, we choose to be together with the ones we love. It just might be our last time together.

We do not know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow. I have to trust God and not live in fear.

My cry is to and for my children and that is to ‘Come Home’ and that they feel the peace and comfort, being reminded and knowing they are loved. Praying constantly for them yesterday, today and all of the tomorrows. If I am apprehensive with all that we are experiencing, they also are and need to be reminded of their mom’s love along with her prayers, and having parents here for them.

May your Thanksgiving be a time to enjoy and love your family and friends, whether in person or on a Zoom call. May each of you be in good health.

Be Still

August 1, 2020October 12, 2020ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

E9644B59-E9AC-4FB1-B1C0-D28663BAD559 In several of my writings, I have shared of my youngest son. This will be no different.

I love being a mom but my heart hurts so much for him and I try not to worry. I do though. Surely this is a normal response of a mother.

A grown son but will always be my sweet boy even though he is 6’3”. He has been through so much and some brought on by his own error of ways, but he has made it through not borrowing money or giving up. I know at times he has felt like quitting and hopeless but that would be a normal reaction but thankfully he kept pushing through. I am proud of him but I know after so much of the push and pull, it can take its toll. Depression lingers over him like a dark cloud. Even that makes my heart to hurt.p for him.

As his mom, I try to remember my own youth and how it was. He is a lot like me, independent and stubborn. Actually, not a bad thing as determination keeps you moving forward. It’s hard though, sometimes lonely.

Keeping a balance of staying in touch with him of knowing I care and I am here for him but not being intrusive. I have made it known that I respect his independence and privacy so I hold off asking the many questions within my mind or enabling him. A balancing act that seems to get heavy on my end and off kilter.

This whole pandemic has made a mess for many, him included. March unemployment has yet to be approved. Many are losing everything and begging for assistance. Even with that, I am unsure where he is financially. It is none of my business. I know he knows we are here and will help with necessities but is he too proud to ask I wonder or is a credit card(s) being maxed, which makes me cringe.

Now I know the Lord needs my help, right? I am his mother so I need to be right in there in the middle and help to make sure He takes care of my son. I know I can help Him. (Insert eye rolls)

It is so hard to give up control and allow the Lord to handle this situation. I know I have had to in the past, now today and will all of the tomorrows. I don’t know what to do, but that.

There is not a day that goes by and sometimes hours when I am not praying for my son. So many prayers but especially, Lord, wrap your loving arms around him and keep him close. You know him better than I do as his mother.

This past week, when driving home from work, I stopped and went through a drive-thru for supper. A message that I was listening to was to Be Still and know that I am God. I had time to listen to enough of this message to touch my heart and give me a peace of what I need to do, which was to Be Still.

If I am doing all the worrying and trying to help God do His job, I am not at peace, losing my joy and holding up what He needs to do. Basically, get out of the way mom, sit down and Be Still. Well, by the time I pulled up to place my order, I am crying and trying to clear up the tears. I wondered later what the girl taking my order possibly thought, perhaps this old lady is quite emotional over a chicken sandwich.

I knew this message was for me, and for my son. When I got home, I sat down and opened up my Bible to dig a little deeper into this verse as it was so heavy on my heart, as was my son. Be Still.

Just a little bit later, while flipping through some Facebook posts, I was on a page of a lady I know from church, reading her posts. About the fifth post down, guess what it was? Be Still.

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Lord, I get it. I am to Be Still.

I have rehearsed those words and this verse over and over for days. Tonight, the struggle is real as I picked up the worry but I know what I must do and that is to Be Still

You don’t know me and you don’t know my son, except through my writings, but if you would be so kind to pray for him, I would appreciate. Thank You!

Be Still … and know that I am God.