In several of my writings, I have shared of my youngest son. This will be no different.
I love being a mom but my heart hurts so much for him and I try not to worry. I do though. Surely this is a normal response of a mother.
A grown son but will always be my sweet boy even though he is 6’3”. He has been through so much and some brought on by his own error of ways, but he has made it through not borrowing money or giving up. I know at times he has felt like quitting and hopeless but that would be a normal reaction but thankfully he kept pushing through. I am proud of him but I know after so much of the push and pull, it can take its toll. Depression lingers over him like a dark cloud. Even that makes my heart to hurt.p for him.
As his mom, I try to remember my own youth and how it was. He is a lot like me, independent and stubborn. Actually, not a bad thing as determination keeps you moving forward. It’s hard though, sometimes lonely.
Keeping a balance of staying in touch with him of knowing I care and I am here for him but not being intrusive. I have made it known that I respect his independence and privacy so I hold off asking the many questions within my mind or enabling him. A balancing act that seems to get heavy on my end and off kilter.
This whole pandemic has made a mess for many, him included. March unemployment has yet to be approved. Many are losing everything and begging for assistance. Even with that, I am unsure where he is financially. It is none of my business. I know he knows we are here and will help with necessities but is he too proud to ask I wonder or is a credit card(s) being maxed, which makes me cringe.
Now I know the Lord needs my help, right? I am his mother so I need to be right in there in the middle and help to make sure He takes care of my son. I know I can help Him. (Insert eye rolls)
It is so hard to give up control and allow the Lord to handle this situation. I know I have had to in the past, now today and will all of the tomorrows. I don’t know what to do, but that.
There is not a day that goes by and sometimes hours when I am not praying for my son. So many prayers but especially, Lord, wrap your loving arms around him and keep him close. You know him better than I do as his mother.
This past week, when driving home from work, I stopped and went through a drive-thru for supper. A message that I was listening to was to Be Still and know that I am God. I had time to listen to enough of this message to touch my heart and give me a peace of what I need to do, which was to Be Still.
If I am doing all the worrying and trying to help God do His job, I am not at peace, losing my joy and holding up what He needs to do. Basically, get out of the way mom, sit down and Be Still. Well, by the time I pulled up to place my order, I am crying and trying to clear up the tears. I wondered later what the girl taking my order possibly thought, perhaps this old lady is quite emotional over a chicken sandwich.
I knew this message was for me, and for my son. When I got home, I sat down and opened up my Bible to dig a little deeper into this verse as it was so heavy on my heart, as was my son. Be Still.
Just a little bit later, while flipping through some Facebook posts, I was on a page of a lady I know from church, reading her posts. About the fifth post down, guess what it was? Be Still.
Lord, I get it. I am to Be Still.
I have rehearsed those words and this verse over and over for days. Tonight, the struggle is real as I picked up the worry but I know what I must do and that is to Be Still
You don’t know me and you don’t know my son, except through my writings, but if you would be so kind to pray for him, I would appreciate. Thank You!
Be Still … and know that I am God.