Life – Page 13 – Just Pondering…

The Battle

June 23, 2019June 23, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

89147F07-4824-4232-9126-8B1356ECBF98 I feel the battle is on. A spiritual warfare that a mother will fight for her son (children), in my case a grown son, at that. My gut instinct for weeks proved right when an unexpected visit from me after much avoidance. My determination was to knock and stay at his door until he came home, opened the door or possibly call the police if need be. Fear overwhelmed me for days, not knowing if I would find my son alive or dead, especially that night. Not what a mother needs to consider but was a possibility.

To finally have the door open after hesitation on his part, I was lost in emotion as I hugged him. A mothers heart will do that, fall apart from happiness and even anger. As I sat next to him, saying what I felt, he promised to stay in touch but day after day, his word failed yet again. As I sat next to him, he did not hesitate to lay his head on my shoulder. He needed his mom just as much. As we sat there talking, he shared just enough with me of what was he was dealing with due to pride and independence.

I just have to pray as tears flow still, fight the worry and thoughts that pop in my mind, as I try to trust the Lord fully. But, Lord, PLEASE!

As a mother, we have to cut the apron stings, which is normal and with mileage in between our homes, that was necessary. He is grown but he is still my boy. It is probably a good thing with the distance but it feels as though he is a million miles away. We each have our own life of work, commitments, etc., to tend to so I cannot helicopter parent him. Of course, that is not normal. I have to keep my faith in God. So hard to do at times.

Being a parent is such a blessing, all ages, but so hard at times. God wants each of us to look to Him. Perhaps that is where we are in this matter, my son has to make a choice.

Of what I know with what is before him, he has to work through this. I cannot do it for him. We had a rough patch a few years back and he did get through it and learned a valuable lesson in the process. That’s life and how it should be, and I was so proud of him. I’m always proud but the anguish is overriding. We are at the crossroads again, I feel.

Faith ▪️ Hope ▪️ Love

It’s So Me!

June 22, 2019June 22, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

D2B8CE0C-1924-4D86-B084-6D5067FE9EDC Years have added to my life and shockingly a number I thought was just for old people. How did this happen?

All my life, until the last few years, I would dwell on and remember things I wish my age would let me forget. Memories of childhood, teenage years and as I matured remained like a video in my mind to keep me in shame and embarrassment. Knowing or feeling everyone remembered what happened and held it over my head.

Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

At times, I tested those waters somewhat to see if others remembered and they did not or perhaps they did and not want to embarrass me further. Getting to the root, it was shame all these years to keep me from being me. Of course, I do not want to do crazy stuff but not be so reserved and fearful to mess up to where I am not fully enjoying life but I was.

I saw this video the other day and as I watched it, I laughed and then cried. I could see me and relate to both, the little girl in the white/pink dress and navy blue dresses in that video. I wonder and I fear for each of those girls and if they will be affected as I was. I do not wish that torment on anyone.

Back when I was in kindergarten, I was off most of the time due to a serious illness but was thrown in the group at graduation, just pushed through, now I realize. I can still remember walking through the door to the stage, where I sat and stood in fear wanting to escape. I understand the shyness in the sweet girl wearing the white/pink dress hiding behind her stuffed animal. I hurt for her as I watch this video. While I was not informed of what to do or expect for graduation, I froze in fear. Afterward, I was laughed and comments were made for years it seemed because I did just like her. I hid the best I could. I graduated kindergarten but failed in emotional coping skills.

While this video is funny, it is sad. They are all so sweet. I wonder how this will affect both of them especially and also the others in the class since this video went viral. It will always be out there to haunt them.

It was finally around my tenth grade, I pushed through and got more involved in activities, school and working part-time job. I even joined the drill team with the band and enjoyed. Today, realizing while thinking about all of this, I realized I fell back in my shy, withdrawn ways, hesitant to step out, too, after I was sick with pneumonia that year and had to be off school for a couple of weeks. So that meant missing practice. Silly me, I loved the Christmas song by Brenda Lee (Rocking Around the Christmas Tree) that the performance was to play and she was a favorite of mine. In my thinking, my devotion of that for her. Although, she did not know me from anybody, but I felt I could carry this music dance performance off. Today, when I hear that song, I cringe. I failed miserably during that performance but stayed on the floor during the dance doing my own thing. Pretty much like the girl in the blue dress. No doubt, attention was on me on the gymnasium floor doing my own crazy thing oblivious, just as this little girl. In my case, no confidence at all. I can still to this day remember my place on the floor, my thoughts of fear and thinking how can I run off this floor while swinging my arms to the music. Let me cringe for a moment.

Just up until a few years ago, this performance was on my mind way too much. Still. Embarrassed over something forty-two years ago. I let it hinder me. Realizing shame was to blame. Shame covered me in many ways through my life but is slowly being ripped away.

Who cares. No doubt each one of us has a similar story or incidents we would like to forget. Hopefully, you have not carried shame around as long as I did.

I’m learning to shrug my shoulders a lot more nowadays.

Shake it off! Move on and enjoy life.

To watch the video, click on the link below. I promise you, laughter will occur.

Dancing 5-Year-Old Steals Show At Pre-School Graduation And The Video Has Made Millions Smile

Talk Therapy

June 20, 2019June 19, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Oh how I miss my former counselor but feel blessed with my present ones. They are all so different with their techniques and process of therapy. I know at this time in life, this is were and what I am to do. I’m just unsure where it all will lead. One day (session) at a time. It seems we just talk, or I talk. Just that is a growth in me though because years ago I normally would not talk much in sessions but listen, grasp the words from her while understanding my past and present, glancing into the future. It was as if she turned a light on for me. In looking at and organizing my storage box of four years recently of my notes and of my own research done, we covered a lot of trauma, abuse and emotional baggage. Not easy. Being aware and becoming enlightened, brought life to my spirit, soul and body.

E9F4DB66-DDBC-42E9-BE3E-23F237FB8225 Seeing this photo yesterday on a post (info noted below), it is so me whether words were spoken or just my many thoughts tossing around in my mind, I was everywhere. This is a great post and page to follow on Facebook. Hope you enjoy. Thank God for counselors and in my case, Christian counselors.

Perhaps if you are in a place that needs direction, consider making an appointment with a counselor. The stigma of counseling is still a major negative with so many but it is your life to make that final decision and not care what others (family or friends), the church, etc., think or say. I know I am a better person today and happier. God is still and always will be my focus. I was just at a place I needed someone to see me, hear me, and understand me. Just that brings healing to a wounded heart and mind. Life happens!

I feel He opened doors for me to have my specific counselors. That’s God! Honestly, I don’t know if I would be here right now otherwise as all hope and desire to live was pretty low many years ago. So, I have come a long way and by the Grace of God.

He knows my name (your name) and He knows where I was/I am (you are). Trust Him.

With my former counselor of four years, and this may sound selfish, but I really feel He prepared her with all the education required, training, etc., just for me. He knew I would need her. I did!

Hopefully, my writing will encourage you if discouraged and push you toward finding a counselor. This is part of self-care and needed, not selfish as you are worthy. Do this for you.

Or perhaps express my appreciation of those in this field as a counselor/therapist helping others. Thank You! This field is not one to take lightly. A small fortune to go through the years of education, training, internships, continuing education, building your business, etc. Let’s not forget the emotional toil it takes to listen to person after person of heartbreaking, life situations that brought them to through your door. Your own self-care is needed and required.

As you can tell, I support counseling.

“I don’t know…I’m rambling.”
“Sorry, I’m all over the place today.”
“Does any of this make sense?”
I often hear these types of statements from my clients.

I love this image because it accurately shows my process as a therapist. As a client speaks, I listen and categorize and organize what is said with the information that I already know about them, or for new clients, things that I am getting to know about them. I’m rarely “lost” or overwhelmed with information, and any new information that doesn’t fit into an existing ball starts a new one.

▪️Credit to Re-New Psychological Services, LLC