Holidays – Page 5 – Just Pondering…

Tears from Nowhere

November 23, 2019November 23, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

This morning I had an appointment early to get my haircut and was looking forward to a nice, productive day afterward as I prepare for Thanksgiving like many of us are doing. A good morning overall even though the weather was not cooperating with a lack of sunshine.

C97D4E0A-7459-4C06-9CDA-E09FFE79966C Here I am, sitting in the chair and my sweet stylist doing her magic while we talked and laughed. In the background, Christmas music was playing and the song, Pretty Paper by Willie Nelson came on. I stated I had not heard that for a good year, since last Christmas, of course, making a joke. I knew with that comment, I could not hold back the emotions and the tears started. Where did those come from and why? It’s funny how memories are stirred by music and our emotions are affected. 845A8C81-4406-49F2-ACF5-B6ECA5E16D32

“Each tear we cry has meaning to our Father God. He keeps track of all our sorrows just as carefully as if He were gathering each tear and placing it in a bottle for His remembrance.” Jennifer Rothschild

Later, when home alone and starting to clean, I turned on the Christmas music, louder than normal with my sound bar and woofer level elevated, hoping the neighbors don’t complain. lol Believe it or not, the first song was Pretty Paper by Willie Nelson, yet again. What is up with this song today? Just because of how odd and what happened earlier, I texted my stylist and told her. Her text back was that it was playing right after I texted her. Knowing we are not playing the same channels but for this to coincide, interesting for both of us now.

Christmas music is wonderful even when the tears start flowing. The lyrics go deep and touch our hearts. Once they start, they usually continue off and on for the day for me and sure enough today has been one of those days.

The holidays can bring up memories of our past, good and bad, the grieving of those no longer in our lives whether that be in death or an end of a relationship, being overwhelmed with many things going on in our lives, or a mixture of it all and the tears flow, but not necessarily depression.

When my son moved out of state after college, being five hours away that year, I found the song, I’ll Be Home for Christmas a definite one to make the tears flow, which always reminds me of him still even though now an hour away. This song is not so good when driving to work and tears fall like a dripping water faucet. Why did I even put on makeup?

Feeling sentimental, as many of us are if not all, at this B4A63AF6-4D68-4D8D-AFF2-FDCA03F448D3 time of the year, is normal. It is a time for families and friends to come together. With the Birth of Christ recognized, our worship and joy felt can also bring tears of thankfulness. Let your heart feel, allow your emotions that apparently are needed to cleanse and heal some areas within. It’s okay to cry, even in your hair stylist’s chair. I grew up feeling shame and embarrassment of crying in front of others, even my own family. Thankfully that has changed in understanding myself and the whys through counseling.

If you find the tears are more than not and on the depressive side instead of sentimental reasons, please contact your physician, a counselor, a pastor, a friend. Reach out! It does takes courage but you can do this.

If more serious and nobody is available or you want to remain private, as many isolate during this time, please get help by going to your nearest hospital or call the suicide hotline. You are worthy and God knows your name and where you are and most importantly, He loves you. Trust Him!

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 👉🏻 Telephone 1-800-273-8255 24/7

3 Ways God Responds to Your Tears

The Story Behind Willie Nelson’s Christmas Classic, ‘Pretty Paper’

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I Cancelled Thanksgiving

November 9, 2019November 9, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

5C2A1F8F-F0E8-4B04-B87F-AC23C8C8CD13 This time last year, my life was going in all directions, feeling lost, abandoned, grieving, overwhelmed and well, you get the picture.

There was an excitement just months prior of me enrolling in a medical class, which was a big step for this old girl. I finally felt empowered enough to move forward after many years of feeling hopeless. Counseling for years was helping me cope and understand myself plus my faith knowing I could do this and my dreams and desires were coming alive. Wonderful. Life was good.

It was in September though as classes started and my counselor of almost four years decided to close her office due to medical issues, of course, unexpectedly. While I understood and was concerned, I could not help but feel abandoned by her. My heart was hurting and my emotions were everywhere.

I would work full-time, go to class in the evenings and when I left, I sat in my car and cried, the grief was too much. This class was too much. My life was too much. How can I do this? Overwhelmed was an understatement.

Through all of this turmoil within, I also knew I had to put a Thanksgiving dinner together for my husband’s family and our own, although my oldest son, now married would be with his wife’s family several states away. The month of November was one with my nose in the medical book, studying for finals the week before Thanksgiving, my house not ready and no desire to go forward, just managing the best I could. My surprise was to get a 94 on my final, which shocked me completely. The joy of the results disappeared soon after, as I was still falling apart within and now no counselor to counsel me, left totally in the dark. Now the anger was more prevalent due to it all.

Being so overwhelmed and grieving, I cancelled Thanksgiving. I did. I was done.

Thanksgiving Day was lonely in my home, just like any other day. My youngest son, living an hour away, decided to stay at his home. I offered for him, me and his father to go out and eat but he had no interest. Loneliness all around with depression raining down on each of us.

Finally, it was late that night when I spoke to my son, instead of texting. In the voice, a lot can be heard and discerned. I knew he was sad over no Thanksgiving. He probably thought that since his older brother was not present, he was not worth it. Still, that thought brings sadness all over me. I will NEVER cancel Thanksgiving or a family gathering again. He did not know my circumstance and the struggle I was dealing with but I was wrong.

In our telephone call, with my motherly instinct, thank God, I told him to get ready as I am coming down to his house. It was dark and late but off I went to be with him, I apologized and told him I will never do that again. We went to eat, get groceries, do all of his laundry and went bowling at midnight. We both had fun and I put a pot of chili in his crock pot to enjoy the next few days. In the end, he received my undivided attention and his mother’s love. He needed me and I needed him.

This year we will have the family in for Thanksgiving and if I get the house clean, fine and if not, fine. I learned my lesson. 959C31B5-EC01-444A-AF14-044F96E476B1

“Thanksgiving is the holiday where people come together. At least, that’s what most of us are conditioned to believe. While Thanksgiving has the potential to be the most inclusive and unifying holiday on the calendar — particularly for families — it also has the potential to generate the most loneliness.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201511/4-reasons-thanksgiving-is-the-loneliest-holiday

Holiday Depression, it happens!

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/holidays#1

Self-Care During the Holidays, it’s needed!

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-self-care-during-the-holidays/

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Mum, Mother

May 12, 2019May 12, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

It’s Mothers Day! To each of you, Happy Mother’s Day. 💕

While this day is called out for mothers of which I am, I find it to be one of the most depressing days of the year. Let’s move on!

I know I am not the only one that feels this way, as I have read too much through the years. It could be a number of reasons why, such as loss of your own mother and feeling the grief, loss of a child that brings memories and an emptiness in your arms, perhaps forgotten by your own children due to their busy lives or whatever reason, it sucks. It just brings a depressing feeling and on a rainy day.

Even if my children would make a big thing of this day, I am unsure how I would handle. With my oldest being married now, I have been told over and over by my boss that once a son takes a wife, I will lose a son. I felt it last year and again this year.

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Different times today, I had to fight the thoughts that I did not do my job as a mother to help them recognize such days or perhaps I was a terrible mother and don’t deserve such recognition. Remember, I said fight.

While I did not have a lot of time to make such days special, I recognized them on their birthdays, etc. Usually, I was too busy to care about the other special days, such as today, so I did a disservice to myself and they know I can get through these days. As for being a mom, I have bent over backward and still do, plus I did do a decent job as well as stay in an unhappy marriage to make sure they had the best instead of struggling financially or have no direction or supervision. So those negative thoughts were just that. I know what I have had to go through.

So this quiet, rainy and subdued day after church, I took a long nap. I will finish my day preparing for my work week and be happier when I open my eyes in the morning, as I made it through. Being a mother is one of the best, fulfilling positions in life, ever. Sometimes though, it has been and it is hard. Still, I would drop anything to do for them. They have been my life and reason for living.

As I write, I did get a call from my oldest and an expected text from my youngest. I do know they love me and appreciate me. Something I have said many times through the years, ‘Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs but the most rewarding.’ I am blessed to be called Mom.