Grief

8FF8D233-A8E5-483E-BADD-69136FB3D93DSometimes words are not audible.  There are times our eyes say it all in their sadness and tears may fall or are always welled up within them. Our throat may tense as we take a breath and hold while trying to hold back an outburst of sobs.  Everything within is crumbling while you do everything to appear normal on the outside.

I have been through enough grief in my lifetime and I am sure you have, too.  Grief of actual deaths and of losses in relationships.  No matter, grief is grief.  Each new one will bring intense pain that seems to outdo the last one.

The mental and emotional torment takes its toll and then slowly, a daily realization comes that a new normal exists.

Have grace for yourself in the midst of the pain, as often as you need it.

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But I Need You!

3b2a2c9b-5a9c-4756-b357-116c86fc96a3Today.  I need you!  Actually, that is a daily cry from my heart.  You left me.

Reflecting back and still in my mental routine of going to a counseling session each Monday, for the past four years, I grieve because it’s over.  I grieve but I do find anger in the midst while yet I do understand.  Anger at her and anger at God.  Thankfully, I recognize what it is and probably normal to experience.  Both probably know that this is of no surprise.

The abandoment issues within me rears it’s ugly head to bring the  sadness over it all and memories.  Then to read an article on fear of abandonment and the recommendation was to consult with a therapist/counselor.  Seriously?  That’s the reason I feel it.  So now what?  I wanted to laugh and to cry.  Just to discuss all of this with my counselor would be so nice.  My heart cries out, I need you.

There are so many things in front of me right now that brings anxiousness within, as I feel so overwhelmed.  Stumbling around it feels, like with my hands outstretched, as in a blind person.  Help me.  I need you.

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Even though these thoughts, feelings and emotions seem to overtake me, just for a bit, I have no doubt that the Lord feels the same.  Whether it be me, you or others.   His cry, too, is ‘I need you.’

I need you to come to Me.  I need you to tell Me your fears, thoughts, etc.  I need you to trust Me.  I will help you.

He’s there all the time and even though I go through grieving periods, He knows that of me, He knows me so well, but is ever so sweet and He gently reminds me, I need you to come to Me.

I get it!  I need You, Lord Jesus.

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Stepping Out

4cc16ae2-9540-4633-a6d5-d7482f7288f2What am I doing?   It seems like everything is happening all at once and it is putting me to a place out of my comfort zone in many ways. Help me Jesus!

If this all falls into place, it will be a miracle, more ways than one.   How do I get myself in such quandaries?

The one part of me, knows I can pull this off and make it work and it will be nice and a great accomplishment.  Complete faith and trust in the Lord.  The other part that arises is FEAR hearing myself scream inside, ‘What is happening.’  Oh my!  The struggle is real. 85dcac31-8a3c-499e-aa14-86f842b494b2

I have dealt with fear all my life and even tonight I wanted to call a halt to it all.  I cannot do this.  I need to talk to my counselor but that won’t happen.  The points of I need, I want, the what if’s, the panic within balloons and wonder if I will pop from the anxiety.

It is at that point, I must bring it back in and realize I can do this, I can try and if I fail, the world will continue to carry on, I will still have a job, God will still love me, I will learn what to do or not to do next time, etc.  Life goes on!

bible verses about stepping out in faith Lovely Bible Study How to Step Out of Your fort Zone in YourStepping out and putting my feet in the water is overwhelming but I either go forward or remain stuck.  I’m tired of being stuck.

Somebody push me!

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