Anxiety – Page 15 – Just Pondering…

Counselor —— 2 —— Counselor

November 6, 2018January 25, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

The title probably looks like one counselor talking to another counselor.

It’s that I am trying to make a decision to move onto another counselor. I do not really want to but feel I need some assistance to get over the last one. How crazy it is that I need one to get over the last one. Will this be a vicious cycle? Lord, I hope not.

Due to a medical leave of absence, my last one left her

practice for a bit although leaving me with the impression maybe forever. It ended way too quick. Too many unanswered questions and left feeling abandoned. I have no doubt that she knows that this would affect me but I also she needs to care for herself with whatever is wrong. Perhaps I pushed her over the edge. Yikes! I certainly hope not.

Being in her position, it can take its toll on ones own emotional well being. Knowing that the extensive training required, her own counseling, regulating self-care herself, she is only human. I don’t think I could listen to heartache after heartache and not be affected.

With this change, many emotions are on the table along with the many tears that have fallen. The lost child within me searches and feels so unstable at times. I know it is happening but I freeze in despair. I had a moment yesterday that just about pulled me under.

So many times through the years, we discussed recognizing the symptoms of how my body feels and reacts and that my breathing almost stops. I used to hate when she would ask me questions, of what I was feeling, where I felt it in my body, etc., and at times thank me for breathing. Whew!

No doubt fear in her wondering if I would literally pass out and she would need to do CPR. While this is funny, it is not. This whole life of struggling with fear of being left or the loss felt, is at times tormenting. I just never realized how much so. It’s been an interesting ride.

I had her write down on a post-it note just prior to her leave, not realizing of her leave, but wanting these questions in my possession at all times:

*Notice what I am telling myself (usually negative).

*What emotions am I having (usually fear).

*What are my bodily actions, in breathing and posture (usually slower breathing as I am slumping down, crossing arms as in closing in).

*What are my bodily sensations (usually tightness in my throat, tense shoulders, I freeze in fear).

I do all that. Always did that and still but I recognize it more today, because of her and consistently asking me, of which now I am thankful and miss her aggravating me.

It’s necessary to change the pattern. Sometimes just taking a step in one direction or another will offset the freeze mode. Yesterday, I froze in fear at the office of what am I going to do? I recognized it and proceeded to work, I got through it. Not long after, I realized I got through that panic, fear, freezing craziness. Yay me!

The negative thought pattern, necessary to change it around. Just like the thoughts that I have had that I probably caused her to leave, knowing full well that I don’t have that power and it was not her choice but her own body and wisdom to step aside for self care. That stops the negative thinking in that scenario but I have more that I struggle with. The neurons within our brain are affected as we change the pattern. Trust me, I need new neurons. 7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

It’s amazing how our body reacts to our emotions and fear will cause havoc.

Never having somebody in my life to fully understand me and explain all this, I missed out. So for me to feel the attachment issue magnified and abandonment at this point, it is normal I believe. She was a lifeline to me.

Day by day I am slowly grasping my wits about this relationship and the loss. I will be forever grateful of her.

Giving me her blessings to find another counselor, to continue my growth and healing was hard to hear and receive, like she was throwing me out to the wolves (again negative thought), but she is allowing me to not be stuck and return to the way I was when I first stepped into her office.

I was almost dead in all areas (emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Life just about destroyed me and I did not care for years until I knew deep down, I needed help or I would die. The search was on with prayer, just as I am now but today better, but continuous help in my healing.

So counselor 2 counselor I will attempt. I just hope that the Lord puts the right one in my pathway as this one. I have to trust Him with that and be patient.

With this new counselor, if he/she starts with the questions of what emotion do you have, where do you feel this in your body and so on, I just might … smile.

I was truly blessed with my counselor.

Abandonment

November 6, 2018April 29, 2022ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

The overwhelming panic that occurs within seems uncontrollable for minutes on end. Finally, a calmness comes but at the moment, it feels as though my world is crumbling all around me. I freeze in a state of panic.

Never realizing of all my life until a wise counselor brought this to my attention in the last few years. The attachment issues for some, usually mother figures, which ends in loss. Whether our paths no longer cross and the painful loss dwindles. It comes in many forms but each one brings abandonment. Yet again, I feel this deep within with the loss of my Counselor being on medical leave.

Really, will she return, I ask myself? Will she even acknowledge me if and when she does? Perhaps I caused this but knowing, I don’t have enough power to do that, to lose her whole practice with clients, so that eases my mind. How can she do this to me? Knowing that is a selfish though but normal. I do care for her well-being but, you left me. These thoughts and fears roll over in my mind daily if not more, trying to cope in life. If people only knew the craziness of it all within me, they would be shocked. I have to be cool but I am not Guess that is where my actress skills with my mask comes in handy.

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So today, I pondered the ‘root’ of this abandonment within my life. It is a childhood issue. Most adult problems are childhood issues. Now, I want to know when, where and why this developed within me. What major loss caused me to deal with this pain throughout my life and still, over and over again.

This leave of absence of hers has put me in anxiety, like never before. There are a lot of loose ends that are dangling, that causes me chaos. Many times we discussed this dangling in our sessions with various topics. Now, a BIG dangling area is before me with no hope.

0A79AC16-9E30-4FBF-8013-280372439DCB I have questions, I need her wise input, I need to discuss my feelings and emotions, I need to know that she understands where I am and can validate my feelings. I need her! All of this is left hanging in the balance while I sort through and remain numb and reaching out to hold on for dear life. Help me!

How can I not be angry at times? At her, at God, at myself. Here I go again but it feels a million times worse than the last time. I’m older, I should be able to grasp and get my act together but at times I lose it. It takes everything within me to hold it together.

Maybe I am at this point to get to the root of this problem. Maybe God displaced her to make me depend upon Him more. I understand this but cannot help to feel anger even with that. I learned a long time ago, that I can be angry with God and I can tell Him that. I have. It’s actually freeing. He knows anyway.

The journey of healing is not easy but is worth it. Oh Dear God, please open my eyes to see and understand where this root came from, to remove and to bring healing to my Spirit, Soul and Body.

If you have been following my blog, thank you. While many of my writings are depressing, it is because it is. This is a walk that is uncomfortable and brings vulnerability on my part to share. Even so, it has helped me to write, tell my story and be heard even if in print. Again, thank you.

One day maybe my counselor will read my blogs to see where I have been, where I am and one day where I will be. I was blessed to have her in my life and I hope and pray for her daily.

Walk!

November 5, 2018November 6, 2018ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

While taking a break from studying since mid-terms, which I feel I did not do well on, I know myself well enough that my thoughts go downhill. I beat myself up and feel as though everything, everybody and life is against me. Whoa is me! I’m sure I am not the only one that hits this wall. It’s tormenting.

With everything else, the class is just one more heap of coal on my head burying me with defeat.

11E34DD4-73DA-47BD-B0BF-7EF9828BAB9E Today, in between cleaning and laundry, I would check out Pinterest, an enjoyable addiction I have. Different times, this one post would come before me. That is one to walk, if just for ten minutes. Of course, the rebellious, stubborn attitude within me, says NO! I don’t want to walk, I want to stay inside my four walls and avoid life outside. Isolation. Just having an adult hissy fit, for two days, feeling like a child.

Knowing today was a beautiful day, I finally gave in. If just ten minutes. Usually, my friend and I walk together two or more miles a day, weather permitting, but she is out of town. So, who cares if I do or if I don’t?

Off I go with my earbuds and sunglasses, as it was a beautiful day indeed. I try to listen to Christian messages or music when alone and I chose Joyce Meyer today. The first message was good but the second was for me.

I love when this happens. The message is, ‘Overcoming Worry and Anxiety.’ He is with me. Say that! Say that, or think that when all hell is breaking apart inside. He does knows where we are and most importantly, He knows where we are going. We can rest In Him. I Am because I Am and we can trust Him. Believing this, lessens the load on our mind with anxiety and worry. I know it’s true! Even when I don’t want to.

Will I fail and mess up again? Probably so but that’s what is good about God, He has enough mercy and grace to see me through again. The walk did help my outlook so I am glad I pushed myself while moaning and groaning within, throwing my hissy fit.

You know what? He knows me and He knows my hissy fits. He knows why I am experiencing what I am and He sees the tears that fall. He is with me!