Grief

But I Need You!

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3b2a2c9b-5a9c-4756-b357-116c86fc96a3Today.  I need you!  Actually, that is a daily cry from my heart.  You left me.

Reflecting back and still in my mental routine of going to a counseling session each Monday, for the past four years, I grieve because it’s over.  I grieve but I do find anger in the midst while yet I do understand.  Anger at her and anger at God.  Thankfully, I recognize what it is and probably normal to experience.  Both probably know that this is of no surprise.

The abandoment issues within me rears it’s ugly head to bring the  sadness over it all and memories.  Then to read an article on fear of abandonment and the recommendation was to consult with a therapist/counselor.  Seriously?  That’s the reason I feel it.  So now what?  I wanted to laugh and to cry.  Just to discuss all of this with my counselor would be so nice.  My heart cries out, I need you.

There are so many things in front of me right now that brings anxiousness within, as I feel so overwhelmed.  Stumbling around it feels, like with my hands outstretched, as in a blind person.  Help me.  I need you.

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Even though these thoughts, feelings and emotions seem to overtake me, just for a bit, I have no doubt that the Lord feels the same.  Whether it be me, you or others.   His cry, too, is ‘I need you.’

I need you to come to Me.  I need you to tell Me your fears, thoughts, etc.  I need you to trust Me.  I will help you.

He’s there all the time and even though I go through grieving periods, He knows that of me, He knows me so well, but is ever so sweet and He gently reminds me, I need you to come to Me.

I get it!  I need You, Lord Jesus.

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Afraid to Look

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C7537AAC-939A-418A-A6EA-7986FF102360Theres a blog, there’s a Facebook page.  There are articles left and right, at a touch of a key, and I can find what I need. Although I am afraid to look, see and read.

The triggers within me of yet feeling more abandonment will scream loudly and I feel fear even considering. If I read something that hits me hard, panic sets in and fearful I’ll go deeper in the hole of depression.  Grief is real, whether in a death or a loss.  324FC750-C70A-4D50-BC9A-5D57AC9029C5

I want to read, just to know she is there as it will bring calmness to the chaos of worry within. But yet, I don’t want to be hurt if I read something again that causes pain or emotions to come.  I really have nobody to understand, or to help me understand myself.

So, I ignore and go about my day knowing I am still struggling and that healing is far from me, it feels.  What happened in my childhood to cause this continuous loop of attachment in others within me?

Just as the last post I read from my counselor, now many, many weeks ago, it was if she wrote that for and about me. What do I do?  It left me with thoughts and questions that remains swirling inside my head.

Do I face my fear head on and read and open up perhaps a flood of feelings?   Or do I give myself grace as I still feel grief of losing her still and let it all be?   I really miss my counselor.  I miss having somebody to listen to me and feel like she understood me. Why can’t I just forget her?  I am even afraid to find another because I don’t want to give up on her, hoping she will be back.  Then I wonder has she given up on me. BC9F1D4C-8A4B-4BCC-BD2C-E747C74735C5

The holidays do not help.  I’m ready to get past Christmas although it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Right?

Feeling lonely and sad as abandonment and attachment issues slaps me in the face over and over, as the old adult as I am and just like in childhood. Will it ever end?  What happened to me?

Thankfully, the Lord knows my name and He knows where I am.   He is all I have.

But still…D57503A7-24CB-4AC1-87BB-9A0FA5D7DD86

 

Feels Like Forever

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment
Time has passed and I have not talked to you.  So many times I think of you and wonder what it is like for you now.  What are you doing?  How are you?  The questions roll over and over, day after day in my mind.  You are missed! 62E5DB0E-AE92-4FBB-8FA5-9995B07D3C4D
While the time has been just a few weeks, it feels like a year.  I so miss you and I miss talking to you.  Do you ever think of me?  Do you ever wonder what it is like for me, what I am doing or how I am?
Grief has a way to digging into our heart and thoughts and feelings of our relationship that is of non-existence, which makes me sad.  Time was devoted and now there is none. 271E1CDA-1BFE-4760-91A3-AF632A6781C3
My mind can go to the negative quickly, as I am dead to you now, but I choose not to do that.  I try anyway.  Whether you like it or not, I was a part of your life.  Many times I expressed my heart and feelings to you, you know I care.  I still do.
I am healing slowly and getting through the raw feelings of being abandoned, yet again.  The tears are less and the smiles are upon my face more and I accept a new normal to my usual routine of life.
74E7FA61-57BF-4538-8E69-54FA18A396D1The void is still present but being filled and I am allowing just that.
Grief, whether in death or in real-life losses, it is still grief.
Take one day at a time.  Wipe the tears, cherish the memories and go forward.
You have to!