Grief – Page 6 – Just Pondering…

It Comes In 3’s

May 3, 2019ponderingmissylou1 Comment

All of my life I have heard that things, whether it be appliances breaking down and deaths or other things, too, comes in threes. I felt yesterday that this is all about to hit. While I brace myself, I also fight fear of the unknown. The third one?

My Aunt is near death and hanging on for dear life, it is just not her time yet. Our sweet fifteen year old dog has been going down hill but this past month, more so and now another cancer spot on her tongue. Everything is going to hit at once. The grief ahead right now slaps one cheek and the other as I wait for a big fisted hit in the nose. BAM!

Knowing another day has passed and my dear Aunt remains in a hospital bed in an induced sleep to keep her pain at bay, with nothing more to do for her, we wait.

Yesterday with confirmation from our veterinarian, finding out our four-legged baby is dealing with this issue once again. I do not feel that another surgery should take place but my husband probably would. Her legs are failing her, she is in pain but …

While I think I have him convinced, I feel like a heartless person knowing he will have anger toward me, which is typical of grief. I do not want this sweet dog to suffer anymore although my heart will break and tears will flow, too. I pray that she falls into a deep sleep as my Aunt will do and be pain free before we go for the dreaded appointment on Saturday.

In knowing of these two, who is the third? That is when fear sets in with me. No matter, I cannot dwell on the third and hope it all passes and we get through this period.

I find it strange that I have heard that saying all my life, seeing it happen and how there is a heaviness that hovers. I am sure you have heard of this, too. It causes anxiety in me and I do not like it. I have dealt with enough fear in life that today I want to dismiss this thought of the doom and gloom. So BAM! If all these years, it was all bad, let’s turn that around and usher the good in instead. DDC5895D-E390-4852-9B27-AC855671E447

Whatever today holds, tomorrow or the next, my faith BAE116EC-985F-43FB-9231-069BA71D4A62 and trust must be in the Lord and whatever comes before me, I face it with Him and because of Him, I can make it.

I may never see my Aunt again here on this earth again but in Heaven, I will.

While I give my sweet dog her space today as I clean as she rests, I tell her how pretty she is, I love her and all that dog talk we do as owners. They know us. They are pretty smart. I believe she is ready to go.

To grieve means we loved. ❤️

Goodbye Baby

May 3, 2019May 3, 2019ponderingmissylou2 Comments

38433AE9-810F-447D-A975-77BAF78D1921 In just over twenty-four hours, three of us will be walking in for a dreaded appointment but only two will be walking out. Our precious Baby will be crossing The Rainbow Bridge. My goodness, how hard it is to make this decision and to carry it out. While I know it is the right thing to do, I hesitate and think well maybe one more day, one more week. The same result will come. It is time.

I have held my sweet cats when this was needed many times through the years but never a dog. These silly animals can wreck havoc on the hearts of humans. Their eyes tell you so many things, they wag their tail with joy when they greet you, bark when you leave as to saying take me with you or maybe it has been goodbye. It is so hard and will be so hard to not see or step over or around this bundle of love.

Our Baby is old so she has way outlived her years more than most. Just this year, oral cancer has been aggressive even after one successful surgery and now weeks later again it returns. I cannot do another surgery. It’s not fair to her and selfish for us to try desperate measures to hold her here.

While I understand this task and grief in past pets leaving, actual family members passing and just relationships ending, the grief is intense. My husband is a basket case and will be, never having close connections in death or experiencing such. I will grieve and he will grieve but this might bring out a part in him that he is unsure of and me, too. I know in such situations, you take life day by day and when that is too much, hour by hour.

Our sweet Baby will never be forgotten and we will for a long time be ready to let her out to potty, take a walk, get her favorite treats, remember her sitting in her favorite spots in the yard only to be reminded she is no longer here as tears may flow. Adjustment. A new normal for our home.

A rescue animal. Who rescues who? ❤️ 75C2D0C0-A77F-4950-AA68-1E9737457111

Grades of Grief

April 15, 2019April 14, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I have had my share of grief in life and no doubt, you also. It, of course, can come from a physical death of a loved one or friend but grief is shared among other losses and the pain is there.

Growing up and probably until my own mother passed away, I dealt with deaths and the visitations, funerals and family gatherings afterward never wanting to lose touch with cousins and extended family members, but you do.

It was when my mother passed that it all became real, the grieving of what was and what will never be. While we were not the mother-daughter connection as pictures show and memories are made of, still she was my mother. Sitting at traffic lights looking up at the beautiful sky and seeing the clouds, the tears would flow were my usual bouts of grief.

Just a few years later, while trying to maintain my own home but also my father’s home and all of his financial and medical affairs, my marriage was dying. I could feel it, I knew things were not right. I blamed myself as I was being pulled in many directions and apparently neglecting him. While that was all true of caring and doing for many, I am not to accept all the blame and I will not. Still, grieving the marriage of what was and what will never be.

Through the years, I have lost friendships for whatever reason by job change, moving, etc. no doubt, you have also. Realizing their friendship was just for a season, whether it be their season or mine, it still hurts to lose the closeness. Depending how close we were, the grief can become intense, not just uncomfortable for a bit.

With that I found myself to be distant with some because of the hurt, the grief of losing them. They are still alive but not there. Just recently, I went through this with someone very special to me. Every level of grief was there still and I knew it. Even today, I now teeter between the depression stage and acceptance. This can last for a bit. When sadness hits, I cry and then I get back up accept what is. Thankfully the anger has lost its power but it was there and normal.

Whether it is a person, a pet or whatever to cause your heart to ache, it is normal. It just shows you are normal and have a heart and love within that you shared.

Looking at the chart of the many levels of grief, I recognize each one and understand when it hits. One of those, ‘been there, done that’ quotes. No matter what your situation, grief is hard and exhausting.

Understanding the levels of grief in whatever you are facing, it will help you through it. Normal. Cry if you need to and then carry on the best you can. Some days you will need to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Normal. Will life be the same? No. A new normal will form and you will adjust. One day, your experience will be encouragement to another; you made it and they will also.