Emotions – Page 11 – Just Pondering…

Dangling

January 1, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Today, as I read an article about the do’s and the don’ts, how to find a good counselor, etc., that popped up on my Facebook timeline, I became sad.

While everything lined up according to the article of my counselor, but I had no doubt it would, plus I had trust in her. At the time of her leave of absence, now just over three months, I was ready for the next, hopefully last hurrah of our sessions. To graduate was always a joke between us.

It was if we were at a juncture of hitting some serious points in my therapy on the head and this leave came about. It’s just like the enemy to stop progression in my healing and cause issues in her own life. Looking at it that way, I have felt it was and is my fault for her to be on a medical leave. For me to feel at fault, that is also the childhood emotional neglect within me, accepting blame.

Spiritually speaking though, you will understand my comment because Satan does not want me, her or you to succeed and be healed. His goal is to kill, steal and destroy.

Realistically, she just needed time to care for herself and I understand and value that in her. But still, I miss her and grieve. 67C421CB-7BD1-487E-9C74-807F68829E13

Even reading articles about ending sessions, how to deal with and what to do by pulling the techniques provided and taught through the many counseling sessions, I do understand and I try but closure is not there.

With her leave of absence, I’m left dangling and there is an unsettledness within me.

Narrowing down my thoughts and feelings, not just with my counselor but in life itself, I am left pondering and feeling lost at times. Why do the questions within always remain open-ended, the confusion felt overwhelm me and the plots and twists in so many areas just don’t connect?

Even through the dangling, time heals. I do know that the Lord will get me to where I am to be and place the right people in my path. I just have to trust Him.

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… Am I Special?

November 24, 2018ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Numerous times through my life I get to this point of wondering, in a certain situations, plus I feel a panic within because I don’t feel special. Those negative thoughts emerge of not feeling loved, etc.

Whether we are young or old, we all want to feel special and should make it a point of making others feel special.

fa8e3947-a071-4e73-a7f3-3c588c3d7ea9-495-00000017993225c5 Knowing this is a childhood issue that seems to be on the verge of healing within me but still it just stops in a panic, as tears always begin rolling down my face. I cannot get past this point.

Something caused this many, many years ago and here I am and it still stops me in my tracks. What made me feel so bad back then?

All a little girl wants is to feel special and loved. Apparently, at some point that died within me. Existence became the norm. I understand how to exist but love, there I am hesitant and question its validity.

The past few days, I have been reading a book, “Think This Not That” by Rita A. Schultz, LPC. My counselor talked many times about the neurons that can be rewired within our brain so this was a book that I knew would be relevant and carry on her information.

I totally recommend this book. Today though, I hit a section called Breaking Free. This chapter dealt with shame, the meaning, what it is, how it affects us, etc. At the Breaking Free section within the chapter on shame, it brought back a remembrance and I just broke. Big, hot tears flowed. I had to put the book down to take care of me and my emotional turmoil within. As I write this, the tears well up again and fall.

Shame causes much pain and heartache, not even knowing it. I really was lost and unsure what shame was when I started with my counselor. A wise woman, as my counselor, helped me to see so many things clearer and that of shame. How did I get so old and not realize all those years, I have been dealing with shame-based lies and the torment is presents? Thank God I had her in my life to help me.

Something happened but to pinpoint it today, is a mystery. I do know the Lord is healing me and this is no mistake I am reading this book, too. Just a little deeper into the mire of shame that has been heaped upon my head as a child and carried through adulthood.

When the Breaking Free section I read, I remembered when my counselor and I talked last, before her leave of absence, she said to me and I wrote about it earlier, “I care for you and I love you.”

In my mind and like I have questioned others when they have said such to me or similar and that is, “but… did you tell the others (clients, people, etc.) the same? Knowing, if so, I can dismiss the heartfelt words as I am not special. Too good to be true!

Just that thought of questioning their care and love for me and the possibility it said or expressed to another/others, my heart sinks within. I truly hate when that occurs within me, it’s like all hope is gone.

Please love me, make me feel like I am special to you.

Oh my heart wants to believe and know without a doubt that I am special, cared for and loved.

I do and I don’t and repeat, at times.

Funny, this book mentioned is basically about turning the thoughts around, as I was being taught and now reinforced. Like, I am doubting of being special and loved. To turn it around and rewire my brain, I must believe and tell myself that I know she (counselor, in this instance) does in fact care for me, how could she not love me and I know I am special to her. This brings peace to my heart and soul. 7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

I like that and want to stay here. Hoping that rewiring works! So many times we have discussed such in counseling. I do know she cares. Seriously, how could she not love me after four years of sessions weekly or more. I am special to her, as she is to me.

Knowing full well, she has to maintain her role as my counselor still while on leave. There’s a boundary that must be maintained although I so miss her and our time talking.

Not just her, there is one that I also remembered today in the same situation. Jan is a well-known figure in our area and she was like a mother figure to me, especially after my mother passed. If it had not been for her, her hugs and all, my grief and dealing with other things in my life, my marriage dying also, I cannot imagine what I would have done. Her care and love proved itself to me during those dark days of my life.

I do believe the Lord places people in our lives at the right time to get us through a path we are walking. As for the counselor, I was not ready for that to end. I felt abandoned. Still dealing with that but to rewire my mind and know it was necessary of this leave for her, I know she still cares and probably wonders how I am doing. I hope so, ant not forgotten.

With Jan, in her public role, she is thought of by so many and she loves everyone. I had a hard time with that at certain points because I wanted to feel special to her. How can she love them, she loves me. The chaos that can bring in my mind was torment. Again, somewhere in my childhood, this is left dangling and I was hurt.

Today, it is possible and I know that, to care for others. It is just sorting this out. Perhaps bringing me to the point of healing of a deep wound within. I’m so open for that.

c7d7b775-af1a-45f4-aac1-4d4a08cac7c6-495-0000001cf5eb797b Understanding and seeing this pattern also, I have people that mean a lot to me, as I am well liked and I am very personable. So I know it is possible.

It’s the WHY inside me that I need to feel special whether to my counselor or to Jan, just two as examples. Why do I fall apart when I start questioning them? Lord, show me!

Narrowing down, I want to know where the root is at and where and when it started and dig it out. I desire healing of this hole in my heart and to be whole.

Most importantly, I know I AM SPECIAL TO GOD, that’s all that matters anyway. ❤️

Counselor —— 2 —— Counselor

November 6, 2018January 25, 2019ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

The title probably looks like one counselor talking to another counselor.

It’s that I am trying to make a decision to move onto another counselor. I do not really want to but feel I need some assistance to get over the last one. How crazy it is that I need one to get over the last one. Will this be a vicious cycle? Lord, I hope not.

Due to a medical leave of absence, my last one left her

practice for a bit although leaving me with the impression maybe forever. It ended way too quick. Too many unanswered questions and left feeling abandoned. I have no doubt that she knows that this would affect me but I also she needs to care for herself with whatever is wrong. Perhaps I pushed her over the edge. Yikes! I certainly hope not.

Being in her position, it can take its toll on ones own emotional well being. Knowing that the extensive training required, her own counseling, regulating self-care herself, she is only human. I don’t think I could listen to heartache after heartache and not be affected.

With this change, many emotions are on the table along with the many tears that have fallen. The lost child within me searches and feels so unstable at times. I know it is happening but I freeze in despair. I had a moment yesterday that just about pulled me under.

So many times through the years, we discussed recognizing the symptoms of how my body feels and reacts and that my breathing almost stops. I used to hate when she would ask me questions, of what I was feeling, where I felt it in my body, etc., and at times thank me for breathing. Whew!

No doubt fear in her wondering if I would literally pass out and she would need to do CPR. While this is funny, it is not. This whole life of struggling with fear of being left or the loss felt, is at times tormenting. I just never realized how much so. It’s been an interesting ride.

I had her write down on a post-it note just prior to her leave, not realizing of her leave, but wanting these questions in my possession at all times:

*Notice what I am telling myself (usually negative).

*What emotions am I having (usually fear).

*What are my bodily actions, in breathing and posture (usually slower breathing as I am slumping down, crossing arms as in closing in).

*What are my bodily sensations (usually tightness in my throat, tense shoulders, I freeze in fear).

I do all that. Always did that and still but I recognize it more today, because of her and consistently asking me, of which now I am thankful and miss her aggravating me.

It’s necessary to change the pattern. Sometimes just taking a step in one direction or another will offset the freeze mode. Yesterday, I froze in fear at the office of what am I going to do? I recognized it and proceeded to work, I got through it. Not long after, I realized I got through that panic, fear, freezing craziness. Yay me!

The negative thought pattern, necessary to change it around. Just like the thoughts that I have had that I probably caused her to leave, knowing full well that I don’t have that power and it was not her choice but her own body and wisdom to step aside for self care. That stops the negative thinking in that scenario but I have more that I struggle with. The neurons within our brain are affected as we change the pattern. Trust me, I need new neurons. 7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

It’s amazing how our body reacts to our emotions and fear will cause havoc.

Never having somebody in my life to fully understand me and explain all this, I missed out. So for me to feel the attachment issue magnified and abandonment at this point, it is normal I believe. She was a lifeline to me.

Day by day I am slowly grasping my wits about this relationship and the loss. I will be forever grateful of her.

Giving me her blessings to find another counselor, to continue my growth and healing was hard to hear and receive, like she was throwing me out to the wolves (again negative thought), but she is allowing me to not be stuck and return to the way I was when I first stepped into her office.

I was almost dead in all areas (emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Life just about destroyed me and I did not care for years until I knew deep down, I needed help or I would die. The search was on with prayer, just as I am now but today better, but continuous help in my healing.

So counselor 2 counselor I will attempt. I just hope that the Lord puts the right one in my pathway as this one. I have to trust Him with that and be patient.

With this new counselor, if he/she starts with the questions of what emotion do you have, where do you feel this in your body and so on, I just might … smile.

I was truly blessed with my counselor.