I stand at the door and knock. Awaiting for my son to open it as this mother was concerned. I was not leaving until he opened the door and planning to camp out, if need be. As my patience grew weak and my anger grew in intensity, I found the peace and just prayed. I had to pray that I did not lash out words of anger but of love and encouragement. How can he allow his mother to stand somewhat patiently in the hallway of his apartment building while finishing up a video game? My mind went to the disrespect and anger, which followed easily enough. While I am patient, I understand that ‘in the middle of a game’ with guys it is crucial. I have had too many boys hang out in my home over the years to know different so I patiently and impatiently waited. Still, feeling that bit of frustration. I was determined to not leave and he knew it. A surprise visit, an hour away from home does not happen often but when it does, you best be ready to open the door. Mama is here! I knew something was not right.
How can I stay frustrated though when the door is unlocked, opened and I see his 6’3″ frame before me and not love and hug him tight with tears? He is mine! No matter how tall, how old, how aggravated my inside was experiencing, he will always be mine. My child.
In life we mess up, we fail, our walk is not perfect, disappointment in ourselves and others, etc. In those times, we want to hide and keep the door shut to those around us and ignore life or what happens in our world. The point of depression and isolation can come and knock us for a loop and unsure how to get out of this tailspin.
While I understand his predicament, I also have been there many times. In all of this, the guilt will hit me and the enemy is quick to accuse me that it is my fault. My fault because he is like me, I was and am a terrible mother and fill in the 
blanks. Yes, he is like me, I was and am his mother and while I have made mistakes, I was and am also a great mother. So turning those lies into positive and to get the enemy off my back and out of my mind is what I did and do often. Lies and fear must go.
My former counselor calls that rewiring your brain, too. We need to flip our thoughts to the positive. In my case with my son and the lies, etc., it is putting Satan in his place and acknowledging that the Lord is in control of this situation. Until next time and I’ll do the same. Back off! A spiritual warfare on my behalf and definitely for my son.
Just like God, He will not give up on you, me, us. He will patiently stand at the door and knock; awaiting for the door to open and for us to acknowledge Him. The love of a mother for her child is deep but He loves us so much more.
My present counselor mentioned the other day that he was reminded of me while reading the Bible and various writings that all seemed to relate. I had told him of my surprise visit to my son’s apartment, standing at the door knocking. The verse, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” He knew of my love for my son and the concern I had plus my determination of not leaving him until I knew he was okay. I loved that my counselor told me that and how this reminded him of me doing the same, I stand at the door and knock.
How great it is that He will never leave nor forsake us. He awaits to hear us call upon Him. He loves me. He loves you. ❤️
Realizing the same thing did exist and still of my former counselor. Transference. According to what I have read, transference is typical and actually normal as it causes the client to relate with the counselor, as 
Thankfully, before she left her practice, we discussed my pattern in life many times and how this affected me. I am unsure with her leaving, if she realized that I would struggle as much as I have. I do. Probably so, as she knew me quite well. I really get tired of this and thoughts that continue though. Nothing bad, nothing sexual but thoughts of I wish I could talk to her as I am unsure about this or that, questioning if she even thinks of me or remembers me now, hope I run into her, etc. Make it stop. Make this pattern stop. Frustration of this seems to be a daily task, feeling the loss of an emotional attachment, the grief that is felt but more-so the abandonment yet again in my life, feeling lost in the I need you, I don’t know what to do, etc. Normal. Being a child not receiving the care and concern, this pattern exists, like it or not.
These websites gave some tips on how to stop this, usually in a girlfriend/boyfriend situation but can be interchanged also. The link below is a post from Obsessed with the counselor’s reply. Obsessed could be me writing this and I had to actually question if it was me but the date it was written was too early in our counseling together. I understood Obsessed.
Oh how I miss my former counselor but feel blessed with my present ones. They are all so different with their techniques and process of therapy. I know at this time in life, this is were and what I am to do. I’m just unsure where it all will lead. One day (session) at a time. It seems we just talk, or I talk. Just that is a growth in me though because years ago I normally would not talk much in sessions but listen, grasp the words from her while understanding my past and present, glancing into the future. It was as if she turned a light on for me. In looking at and organizing my storage box of four years recently of my notes and of my own research done, we covered a lot of trauma, abuse and emotional baggage. Not easy. Being aware and becoming enlightened, brought life to my spirit, soul and body.
Seeing this photo yesterday on a post (info noted below), it is so me whether words were spoken or just my many thoughts tossing around in my mind, I was everywhere. This is a great post and page to follow on Facebook. Hope you enjoy. Thank God for counselors and in my case, Christian counselors.
With my former counselor of four years, and this may sound selfish, but I really feel He prepared her with all the education required, training, etc., just for me. He knew I would need her. I did!
I love this image because it accurately shows my process as a therapist. As a client speaks, I listen and categorize and organize what is said with the information that I already know about them, or for new clients, things that I am getting to know about them. I’m rarely “lost” or overwhelmed with information, and any new information that doesn’t fit into an existing ball starts a new one.
Just Pondering... 