Anxiety

Hugs Not Required

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

6B976E7C-D118-43C4-B4F9-2F48FBBB8771Pondering everything and noticing a difference in me this past week has been interesting.  Apparently, I have changed, there has been healing within me.  Quite shocking!

Years upon years I have yearned for love, especially motherly-type love from certain ones and I would be so hurt if ignored or not hugged. 3CB4807F-3F7A-433F-9AF3-45502CF056ED

My mind within was screaming, please love me.  My body would tense of the ache from this internal voice screaming.

Understanding childhood emotional neglect, abandonment issues, moreso, and how this lack of love affected me from youth to old age, has been eye opening.

Through the past four years in counseling and as my counselor listened and help me see the why in my craziness with this, she helped calm that by giving me a hug after our sessions.

Maybe she could hear my mind screaming, ‘PLEASE HUG ME’ as I was struggling just in our sessions.  Maybe she could see within my eyes the anguish I felt within my heart.  Maybe she has the heart of God to reach out to the child stuck within me.  I have no doubt, all of those reasons came into play.

By all rights, she did not have to hug me but I truly feel that she felt the pain within me.  Her hugs helped heal the hurts and void within.  Being heard and understood goes a long way.

To trust her with this deep, emotional pain and be honest with her, brought freedom each time.  It was not easy.

Those hugs were not required by her but for healing within me, they were.

Still healing.  Still welcome hugs but not required.

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Christmas Crap

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Just the title alone explains my feelings.  While I love Christmas, the lights, the joy it brings and everything that exemplifies the season, I just don’t have it in me to participate here in my home.

Here it is, December 8 and my house does not show any signs of life in regard to Christmas.  Not even the cute Christmas pillow my sister made me months ago that is stuck in my hall closet.  It was too early to put out when received and now my house needs cleaning to put out now.

The task of cleaning, pulling out the Christmas crap from the attic just adds to my overwhelming thoughts of just one more thing to do, many things, and then the clean up.084512EE-04E3-481E-BDA3-C5834F68731A

I feel like the Grinch although I am excited, too.  What gives?

As I put myself in timeout today for having an ‘I don’t want to’ attitude and telling my poor, old dog lying in the floor listening to me, I decided to take a nap.  Let me procrastinate some more.

So here I am.  Maybe my get and go will get it done.  Too much happening in life and in all areas plus this adds to it; but I know the end results will be family together, laughter, love and joy. I want that.

So to all, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a good night.

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Grip of Fear

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Fear is no stranger to me or me of it.  Always lurking around ready to attach and bring me down.  

I have done so well lately, well a few days, but at one point while at work this afternoon, it hit.  The panic starts and questions roll within my mind of the what if’s.   At the time, I was thinking about counseling, my counselor.  Today is a Monday, my usual day to meet with my counselor as we have for years so it seemed appropriate that it happen today. My routine has been disrupted and I still feel lost by not going.

While she is on a leave of absence, perhaps six months or maybe longer, my mind zips to when she will return.  Will she call me?  Will I be invited back?  Am I anybody to her now?  The questions continue and bombard my mind and my body is reacting in panic of what if she doesn’t, you are nobody, it’s over, and so on.  

While all of this seems to last forever, it did not.  I was able to recognize what was happening, remembering her advice and direction, realizing I was feeling tired and overwhelmed with my work and how my body was frozen and feeling a sense of doom. All of this just added further chaos to my busy day, but I was happy I did not stay there.  


The hopelessness and tightness in my body was evident.  What am I going to do?  How am I going to make it?  I miss her.  I need her.  Oh my God, help me.  Panic!

Fear is tormenting no matter how it comes or what about.

Understanding and control finally took over and I continued with my work.  Considering the grip it had at the time, I decided to write.

Again, I have done so well the past few days and adjusting of our sessions no longer happening, knowing I still have attachment issues and feel the abandonment in this relationship, but I know I must go forward and I will. Hopefully, in a more healthier way than with past relationships. I’m still learning, growing and healing.

Whether I am called back if or when she starts counseling again, I don’t know, time will tell. It would hurt me deeply if not and I don’t know how I will respond, if so, but silently cry many tears and write more.

While it would be nice to know and hear from her, I realize boundaries are intact in our counselor/client relationship, so I patiently wait. I care for her, and I pray for her.

When the fear comes, and it will, no matter what form, all you can do is try to get a grip.