Fear.  Nothing new to me.

Faith.  Nothing new to me either.

It’s distinguishing them is the trick sometimes.  Thankfully, I am full aware of the feelings both bring.  Fear brings chaos within me and faith is peaceful. I try to rein in those when I have a decision to make or situation before me.  Easy enough, it seems.

Today, I had read about a pastor that committed suicide and the focus was on the anti-depressant drugs.   How sad.  Then my mind went to my son who was prescribed anti-depressant medication this past month.  He is doing great so I have faith that this was a good turnaround for him but then reading this post, fear immediately went into action.

I also thought of a friend and her husband committed suicide and there, too, there was anti-depressant medication involved.  My head was swirling with fear and questions and unable to do a thing, as my son is of age to make his own decisions.

Oh how I miss the Tonka truck days and dirt tracked in the house, a house full of their friends and feeling like a short-order cook.  I have no control.  I have no say.

I do know he is doing better and it has been great to have my happy, talkative son again.  I missed him.  I do believe medication is good and in his case, a definite.  It’s the ‘what if’ questions and fear that I have to fight against in my own life for him.  The meds are helping (faith) but what if he contemplates suicide from them (fear).

Working through my fears and thoughts as I am mopping the floor feeling stressed, it was when I prayed.  Lord, I have no control.  You know all about my son, you have your hand upon him and always have had.  You know his counselor and the doctor prescribing this drug to him  Please protect him.  I have to give him to You yet again.  Peace came.

How many mothers (parents) deal with this or similar all the time, day after day?  I have to trust and put my faith in the Lord.  I have to basically do the same with my son, as he is grown.  He has to make choices and hopefully wise decisions.    

What I can do is continue to pray for and encourage my son, which I do.

Perhaps you have dealt with the same or similar, and still.   It’s not easy.  Perhaps you have dealt with or know someone that suicide took a life.  Devastating.  All I know is to trust the Lord and in that, too, anger might be present.  It’s normal.  Perhaps not what you wanted or expected with your child’s life or whatever situation you may be facing.

Many years ago, I had a situation, and I was angry and with God.  It was when I confessed and screamed that out to Him, while I thought it was crude, I also grew in my faith.  Seriously, He knows we or that I was angry anyway, so I might as well confess it.  Life can give us some hurdles but it is trusting Him through them.

Being a parent is not always an easy task, no matter what age but it is the most rewarding.

When You’re Angry at God