The holiday season is already emotional at times missing loved ones who have passed, those we cannot see or hug right now due to the pandemic and just the cherished memories that bring the tears that seem like they will not end.
Today, as I was working and minding my own business, I remembered that I had to make a run up to another office to pick up paperwork. As I walk in, the administrative assistant was wearing this pretty, red and cozy sweater. I loved it and told her so. It made me stop and look at it closely and see the weaving of the yarn and admire the red color. I love sweaters and this was one that caught my attention.
As I was getting my paperwork, I overheard her tell the other assistant that it was her mother’s sweater. It was about two months ago that her mother passed away quickly from Cancer and she was the only child to deal with the grief and what memories remain today and through all of the tomorrows. I was so thrilled to hear that it was her mom’s sweater and the thought came, she is wrapped in her mom’s love as she wears it now.
My paperwork is now in my hands and I quietly and quickly leave the office as they remain talking. Normally, I would stop and talk and all that as women do, as I enjoy and have a wonderful work family. I could not talk. I could not leave quick enough and hoping that they would not stop my feet from moving out the door. The tears were falling quicker than I could control as I entered the elevator hoping I would not run into anybody.
How interesting that such a thing can cause such a flow of emotions. A pretty red, cozy sweater was all it took. Again, the holidays don’t help and knowing next month will be twenty-five years since my own mother passed away of Cancer, also quickly. It all comes back seeing the same sweater that is not one you see often and knowing I buried my mom in her pretty red, cozy sweater (somewhat similar to that shown). The weaving of the yarn, the gentle black yarn mixed in just enough to add to the unique detail and knowing just how soft, it indeed brought back memories of yesterday.
“When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.” Author unknown
To observe attentively is to remember distinctly. Edgar Allan Poe
Recalling the past can awaken an emotional response. Remembering an event, a situation, or a person can evoke a shiver of excitement, the heat of anger, or the anguish of grief. … Most emotional memories are the result of cued recall. A certain date may trigger an emotional memory such as in the anniversary of a loss.
Once again, as I drive to work, I have a favorite song right now playing in the car and sing along trying to hit the notes that they do. I did say I was trying, but singing is definitely not my talent or desire.
On my twenty to thirty-minute drive, my mind can stay active in what needs to be done, etc., or I just get lost in the music and soon enough, I am pulling into the parking lot.
It is when my thoughts cross over to something or in this situation, someone I miss so much and the tears flow faster than I can catch as I drive. Imagining in my mind how it would be if I ran into them once again. What would I say, or would my throat close up not allowing words to be said, like a valve keeping emotions contained. How would I act, how would they respond, would we hug or with the restrictions of the Covid19, would we just wave and go on our merry way? Knowing if just a wave, my heart would be broken once again of the grief felt with this loss?
Immediately, I turn off the song to get a handle on my emotions, so my eyes are not red as they peep over my face mask. Some days, a mask with a smile for appearances only have been seen. Isn’t that true for all of us, at times? Life can be hard at times, a medical issue, fear of this crazy virus, the sadness of not seeing and being with our children, family or friends due to the pandemic. The beautiful Christmas music now playing in the background, which stirs your soul and emotions are felt.
I get frustrated at myself for even allowing those thoughts to enter my mind. Plus, the makeup I just applied, which is now off and my eyes are no doubt noticable that I had been crying from the memories they envoked.
I so miss my sweet friend. Actually, I guess she is not my friend and cannot be a friend, as it would unethically be wrong due to the fact she was my counselor for four years. Now with almost three years since our last session, how could she not be special to me and basically considered as a friend? I have done so well but perhaps with the holidays, music and colder weather or perhaps what I am dealing with, my emotions seem frail, more than I thought.
Just as in a death, this also felt like one. The four years together, sometimes once a week or twice, she was a part of my life, sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts and it was all cut off immediately. That’s grief!
In grief, my parents and brother have all passed and I do think of them and if a certain song, usually or something else reminds me of them, the tears come also. Grief can come out of nowhere and knock you down for a bit with the emotions. I could have got lost in this song and cried all the way to work but I knew I had to get a handle of myself, not that I was denying my loss or sadness. I felt it but the tune to this one song, this morning, just opened up the window of sadness of my loss. I feel at times, grief of somebody you miss that is still alive is harder, as they are within reach but yet too far away.
I don’t know how either of us would react if we ran into each other. Would we hug or just wave? I don’t know but I do know it would be a joy to just cross paths once again. Even if I choke from the emotions, the closed door on my car with dark-tinted windows will allow me to let lose and cry a river. Yet again, get a grip and move forward. Feel it, acknowledge but keep moving forward.
Daggone these tunes that brings tears. Even as I write, the tears flow. Years ago, I could buck up and keep them hidden but I cannot do that anymore, as they just seem to seep out and roll quickly down my face.
Thinking back, when I first started meeting with her for counseling, and maybe for the first year actually, she knew I was holding back and would not be emotional. The hard, rebellious part of me remembers saying, “I will not cry. I will not waste my time and money in these sessions crying.”
With everything that is happening, the chaos all around the world, the virus of those that have had it or feeling as if it will get me soon, is like a dark cloud, but I think many of us are unsettled. If you have lost a loved one(s), please accept my condolences. We cannot live in fear but use wisdom in mask wearing, even if we don’t like them, wash our hands often and perhaps stay home more. We all want this to be over or at least more manageable.
So as the tunes of the Christmas music that is played or a special song that reminds you of someone, it is okay to cry. I am not as strong and rebellious as I once was, as the tears flow. I do know that in those tears of sadness I feel, I am also blessed. Blessed to have had her as a counselor for so long and to help me so much. I am blessed with many family members and friends. I also feel blessed with the ability to share my heart with you through my writings. Thank You for reading. I wish you a Merry Christmas.
Have you ever missed someone so much that even the thought of them makes you cry?
Most praise and worship songs tell that God is always there to listen and to help us. Hearing these words trigger our spirits to cry out to Him for help.
“Music is a way to connect sounds to personal memories. We often like a piece of music not because the music itself would be so moving, but because we heard that song when we felt a certain way. The music merely activates that memory and re-triggers the emotion. So no, you’re not the only one ;-).
This phenomenon is also the reason, why clubs, radio stations, Spotify playlists etc. bombard us with the same few songs over and over again: record companies try to raise their chances of you listening to one of these songs while you experience intense emotions (like your first kiss or that wonderful party at the beach with your friends). Because after that, you will pay everything to listen to this song again – sometimes these songs stay with us for our entire life! And – contrary to what we might tell ourselves – it won’t be because of the song itself, but because of the memory it triggers in us.” Matthias Orgler, 30+ years in the music business. RealWorldMusicTheory.com Quora April 21, 2018
Grief is not just about death. It’s about loss and that comes in so many forms. Learning to live with grief is a skill that takes time and patience along with the acceptance that there are things we can’t change, good memories that can comfort us in times of distress and new plans to make when we realise that plan A is no longer an option.
There is a saying that happiness is a journey and not a destination. In the same sense, grief is a pause, it’s not an ending. Be honest in those moments of great sadness and find the joy where you can in the moments that can still warm your aching heart. Grief is a description of a part of your life, it doesn’t have to be a definition. https://www.ouralteredlife.com/grief-for-the-living/
Ambiguous loss is a loss that occurs without closure or clear understanding. This kind of loss leaves a person searching for answers, and thus complicates and delays the process of grieving, and often results in unresolved grief.
“Normally we associate “tears” with “sadness”, but there are also tears of “Joy!”
Jeremiah 31:9 Tears of joy will stream down their faces, and I will lead them home with great care. They will walk beside quiet streams and on smooth paths where they will not stumble. For I am Israel’s father, and Ephraim is my oldest child. (NLT)
The Bible tells us that God keeps all our tears in a “bottle”……… Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. (NLT)
Paul told Timothy…… 2 Timothy 1:3 I thank God, whom I serve from my forefathers with pure conscience, that without ceasing I have remembrance of thee in my prayers night and day; 2 Timothy 1:4 Greatly desiring to see thee, being mindful of thy tears, that I may be filled with joy;“
If you get a chance, listen to these two. They have two CD’s, one is Christmas. Mat & Savanna Shaw, a Daddy Daughter Duet
Awake, early on Thanksgiving morning was not my plan. The older I get, the earlier I wake up. Perhaps it is to make the most of what days I have left and make every minute count.
This week, my planning and cleaning will all come together like a beautiful performance, is my hope anyway. I feel the anxiety building knowing in the next six hours, I must orchestrate the meal to take center stage as butterflies within are felt. Breathing in and out, calming myself, encouraging thoughts that it will all will work out. If not, we will order pizza and consider it a year, as it has been a year.
As I tried to go back to sleep, I felt my heart hurt like it does at times. I don’t like this feeling, of course, I think of a heart attack, which causes fear. I knew what was happening and now as I sit here writing while drinking my morning coffee, it is the anxiety that I feel. My stress level is increasing of which I need to be more aware of due to recent medical tests and results. Getting old is not what it is all cracked up to be, as they say.
In that moment with the aches, I was reminded of when I was in the hospital many, many years ago and they did not know what was wrong with me. Tests were done, etc., but my heart hurt. Back then they kept you for days instead of these outpatient tests or a twenty-four hour observation time in admittance.
I remember well this nurse questioning me, using her stethoscope, and just taking her time with me to figure me out. Please do. I remember this moment as if it just happened and perhaps for me to know that this pain is anxiety. After all these years, correlating the pain with what is happening in my life, I know to find a place to chill out and be calm. I will be okay.
At that time, my marriage was pretty rocky. I kept all the hidden secrets of a marriage in trouble all to myself then. I had nobody to really understand what was happening or trust. I really did not understand. As the nurse listened one more time to my heart, I said to her, “I think my heart is just broken.” Even then my comment went on deaf ears.
This morning, with the pain, my heart is broken yet again, but in a different manner.
So looking forward to seeing my youngest son today, he informs me late last night that a friend he was with on Sunday, tested positive with this virus on Tuesday.
Of course, he feels fine but was exposed. Asking if I thought it would be okay still if ‘we’ come, a friend to tag along with him. We, that means two exposed to come home. What is it with this younger generation? Now that I am old, I can ask this. Well, I was the same at that age when I took out my retirement because I’d never get old. Hello. So I understand him but I had to tell him, they could not come. Oh my goodness, do you know how hard it was to tell your own child that they were not welcome for Thanksgiving? The tears would not stop as we texted back and forth over the hour. If you read my previous blog, Come Home, I mention that it has been four months since I have seen my son. I was so excited he would be here but now he won’t.
In that sadness, I was depleted of joy. My sleep was restless although it was nice to shut my eyes for a few hours. To wake up with a broken heart, knowing the show must go on. I look forward to being with my oldest son, his wife and her parents but there is a void. My youngest is not married and I know he deals with depression. He is alone. Crazy enough, I have to wonder also if he planned this, maybe his friend does not have the virus but made up to avoid coming. No matter, my heart hurts and feels broken yet again.
Anxiety is real. After so much, year after year, stress and anxiety can cause physical ailments, as I am now dealing with, yet again. This all adds up in the body and medical issues result.
So today we will gather for a short period and go back to our isolated world.
Thanksgiving 2020. The year 2020 we all want to forget but never will. Many hearts are broken today, not just mine, and in so many ways.
Thankfulness of what we do have and of those we love and care for continues. Count your blessings.
Perhaps you, too, are experiencing anxiety today or over this virus or whatever. Through it all, trust the Lord, for He cares. He knows your name and He knows where you are.
Just Pondering... 