As I drive home the back roads many times, I go over a tall bridge that has a sharp curve. If you are going too fast, it would be easy to crash into the guardrail or even fly over it causing death no doubt or some very serious, severe injuries.
I have made it a point to pray, and yesterday was no different while finishing up my errands and heading home, going over the bridge. Nobody has or ever noticed that I make a ‘V’ or the common peace sign with my fingers, as we all know. My ‘V’ means VICTORY to me. If I am alone, I start praying before the bridge, on the bridge and until I come around the bend to the stop sign.
Praying for the victory that I have experienced of what He did in my life, what He has done and what He is doing, thanking the Lord for each area.
Since late 2017, my outlook on life took a major shift. I felt stuck in a relationship of a sad, lonely marriage knowing Aspergers with him causes this in many married relationships. I felt no joy and also dealing with being an empty nester. I would go to work then come home and repeat daily and when home, isolate myself. Depression was always hovering over me for years and thoughts of no desire to live, definitely common, a bad place to be.
At this time and for a couple of years, I had been in counseling. Even with counseling, it seemed as though we would make progress and while we did, there were times the burden of everything was just overwhelming. I could not see a way out of many areas in my life. Just stuck.
It was at a time the counselor and I were deep into something discussed, too much apparently. I was told by her also that she would be leaving on vacation and longer than usual. My mind screaming, NO! I cannot handle this alone, even though I knew she would return, but I also knew she needed time away like all of us. At this given time, it was just too much for me to handle. I remember her and I discussing this time away and that my emotions were more extreme than usual.
As a child reaching out grasping for her mother, crying please don’t leave me is how I see it played out in my mind. Understandably so, due to the childhood emotional neglect, rejection, abandonment and apparent separation anxiety all uncovered in counseling that helped me understand myself. I can still remember that day and feel the panic within, today. I was a grown adult but having childhood issues not dealt with fully or healed, this area was triggered big time.
The enemy has one plan for me, you and each of us that walk this earth and especially a message to help others, which is to kill, steal and destroy. I knew this but fighting through the mental torment, the bend in the bridge was a common thought and that I knew the enemy was tormenting me with this area. Just end it all. The panic set in but thankfully she was wise enough to discern and recognize my complete breakdown happening. The battle is in the mind as Joyce Meyer speaks of in her books and messages. True!
As I regret and I am saddened now to know I gave thought to this and wanting to give up, I cannot and will not go over that bridge without my ‘V’ while holding the steering wheel and either praying aloud when alone or in my mind while with others, if driving or as a passenger. I will not forget where I came from and that time in my life and the discussion between my former counselor and I.
Hopelessness is real to so many, especially nowadays, and I get it. Hoping one day I can encourage others to keep going forward toward their VICTORY.
While I missed her while on vacation and the trigger of anxiety and abandonment exploding due to my childhood issues, I survived and visited my family doctor for an anti-depressant. It was time and encouraged before she left on vacation. I was an emotional mess and I am not like that. The prescription was filled and now in my hand, as I looked at reviews and was scared of the side effects, not knowing what to do now. I needed my counselor to help me know and to be there for me. Trust me, I felt lost and alone yet again in life and panic set in. Lord, what am I to do?
Just as in this situation, feeling all alone and reaching for help but nobody there, that was when I called out to God to help me. My faith in Him and trust in people through the years definitely wavered although I knew deep down He had His Hand on me. As a new Christian back in 1978, the words, He would not leave me nor forsake me, became real to me and I held onto them since. I knew He knew my name and where I was. He was my only hope. My Christian counselor also suggested that I get in any altar calls at church, so I swallowed my pride and did just that. Desperation! Nobody knew the reason but the Lord and my counselor knew what I was going through and of the torment within my mind. I needed victory over this area.
As hard as that period was, a major shift occurred within me. Still today, I am thankful that I went through it because I had to be vulnerable enough to speak openly and honestly to my counselor, where I had never shared those deep, dark thoughts with anyone. Again, the enemy wanted to kill, steal and destroy me. He knows that I have encouragement for others and that I will give God all the glory whether in my writings or spoken.
I have not been the same since as I had to make a decision to live or to die and in that sense, that could be physically or spiritually. I am more alive today than ever, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Thank God!
What He did and has done in me, I know He will do more so that I can encourage others to have hope for tomorrow.
Thats GOD! That’s VICTORY! TRUST HIM! ❤️