My life is almost at the end of its race, even though I have many more years to live and hopefully have a happily ever after ending.
Thinking back, those wishes we have made of, if I had only known or if I did this or that and even not do those things, my life would be so much better and fulfilling. We learn as we go and we make mistakes as we go, too, though. I’ll have plenty more opportunities yet to mess up.
As a mother, perhaps as Mother’s Day is approaching or perhaps it is because I am sorting and packing items between my two sons of their past belongings when in school and at home and of my own keepsakes. Going down memory lane can be fun and happy but also bring up thoughts of regrets and sadness. Definitely no regrets on their part, but my own. Those thoughts that enter, reminding me of my failures being a mom, as the enemy is so fast to point out each and every flaw. Had it not been for these guys in my life, my life would not be what it is. They have helped me understand the depth of love a mother can have toward another and it is more love than for any other person. I got a double dose of love from them. They have my heart. They caused me to push through much anguish over the years of when I had no hope, but I lived for them.
Having sons, I expected and desired as a mom that I would have a major role in their life, and hopefully they can say well done mom. Even though I made mistakes and wish I could do over so many times in areas. I depended upon my husband, their father, to help them understand more of the sexual, manly parts of life so they held no shame regarding sex, their urges as testosterone built within, the how to, what to do, what not to do, how to treat a woman, etc. Nothing.
If I had to do over, I would have been more inclined to do the straight talk through this with them instead of them learning on their own or from friends. I should have known better from a comment on our wedding night. I regret leaving them searching and being unsure but also wanted to not embarrass them. In their college days, I was able to share and talk more freely as opportunities came about, and I think they felt comfortable enough with this old mom of theirs and many times we laughed over certain situations. Still, I want a do over.
Had I not had the wedding night and time that led up to that moment, and thereafter, I would not have my two sons. How boring life would be as they both make this world a better place.
I cannot have a do over from my childhood, adulthood or motherhood of raising them, but what I can do over and over again is love my children and be as transparent as they want me to be, as grown men, and go forward in life. Some changes will happen in the days, months and year(s) ahead and they can choose to know me in a different light, as with their father. We are all at a different stage in life, they are old enough to handle life and hopefully see I stayed for them long enough, was patient and had long suffering, but I now deserve a life of what is left to be free from being a caged bird.
Let me fly! There is no do over.